I'm Glad I'm Not In Control

Well not a kid, but a teenager. I don't need my next grand prix horse, I don't even need a third level one. I need a horse I can go gallop through the fields with, and throw on the trailer and head to a show with. One I can trust, but also get some stuff done on. That was advice my old trainer gave me, and it was a bit too late for me to go back at that point. But she is absolutely right. If only those words had been said to me 6 months earlier. Part of me lets my mind go there - to a place I shouldn't be. A place where I'm angry at God. Where I wonder why Bella just had to be lame, why Socks couldn't have been a hand taller, which may seem like little things, but things that would have changed my life. Things that would have allowed me to be happy. And yea, I know everyone is like you have a horse, a talented, adorable, loving, amazing horse. And yes, I know all of those things are true, but if he isn't right for me, than it doesn't matter how cute, lovable, or talented he is. I want to question God's motives in all of this. I want to hate Duncan. I want to hate the people who didn't tell me no - the people who I trusted to tell the truth. I want to hate myself for letting my parents down - and then I want to hate them for giving me the chance to hold them up. And most of all, I want to crumble in fear at what the future holds. If I decide to sell him, what will happen to him? If I decide to keep him, what will happen to me?

But there is no use crying over spilt milk. There is no use being angry at God, because the question is not where was God during all of this, it is where was I? Certainly not asking Him what to do. Because maybe if I had I would have chosen differently. The people who let me down wouldn't have had any say, and the people I let down wouldn't have invested so much money into something they will never get back. I can't hate Duncan, because it is not his fault. I love God for never giving me the chance to let Him down, because He never gave me the chance to hold Him up. And I want to thank Him, for giving me something to bring confusion, anger, sadness, and pain, because it has made me realize what He does that is so amazing. And it has shown me to trust. Trust that He has the most amazing plan for my life, and luckily for me, He does great things with bad mistakes. He can make it so they really aren't mistakes at all, but an opportunity to grow closer to Him. So I will not be angry, I will not be worried, actually I won't do anything at all. God will work in miraculous ways in my life, and continue to show me just how much He loves me, and what wonder plans He has in store. And because of that I am able to stand strong, but not because of me. That's for sure.

Then and Now

I won't say before and after, because after would mean you are done, and we are certainly not done.

I also wanted to thank God for giving me a horse who I don't always enjoy working with. Although I love him, it makes me realize there are more important things in life than a horse.

Happiness?

Sometimes people ask me what my favorite horse of all time was. It's a really hard question to answer, and for every horse I loved - there was certainly bad things about them as well. So I'm going down the list, starting with the very first brown boy who stole my heart, and ending with the last.

This is Joey. He was the very first horse I "fell in love with". He was the horse who taught me how to stay on. He taught me how to handle a naughty horse, but also how to love one. He gave me confidence, but also kept me in my place. He was never afraid to throw me off, and always willing to allow me back on. He was pretty great, but I did eventually outgrow him. He couldn't do dressage, and I was ready to move on. I loved how I never felt unsafe, no matter how much he did, I somehow trusted him. I did not like how he never could do dressage, and bucked and threw a fit if you made him.

This is Thumper. He was an adorable, bratty, little Halflinger. He said go when you said woah, and stop when you said run. He taught me so much, and after Joey, he showed me just how fun dressage could be. He was pretty good on trails, although he did enjoy throwing me when he could. For a long time I had wished I bought him, but now that I look back I am glad I didn't. I outgrew him as well. I loved doing some dressage, small jumps, or even a trail ride. He was a pretty reliable guy, who I was very sad to let go. I didn't like how he didn't like to listen, and how he had a mind of his own most of the time. 

Chessie! Every girl needs an experience with a hot little red headed mare. And that is surely what I got. It's funny now, as I look back, how it is hard to find things I just loved about that mare. I was so in love with the thought of owning my own horse, and having something I could love and know that they would not be taken from me, and that was what I found in her. She was a spooky, bull headed chestnut MARE. I never felt safe on her, really didn't enjoy riding her all that much, and don't really miss her. Part of my is scared that is what Duncan will be. I'm terrified that Duncan will be this spooky horse that I will never get to enjoy, because we just aren't the right match. I tried for over a year with this horse, I just don't know when to give up. I torture myself over an animal I don't even like, and force myself to keep trying, just hoping it will get better. And it never did, not until I said adios and found another horse. It also helps me realize that if I choose to sell Duncan in March, I will be okay, I will find another horse, he will find a good home, and I will be happy again. One can hope. Bleh, thinking about her and this is gross. 

Now this is a horse who knew how to make me smile. It started out a little rough, but in the end I would never go back and change a thing. He was my first real dressage horse, and a horse who really made me step up as a rider. He challenged me, and at first I was really scared of him. I didn't know what he would do, and I was scared to make him go. I didn't even like tacking him up. I remember my first ride without a lesson on him, and I couldn't make him do anything. It was a disaster. Shortly after that he reared and flipped on top of me. But once I got to know him, really know him, I wasn't scared at all. I loved showing him. He was one of those up and down horses, and consistency wasn't easy with him. I hated how one day I would have the best ride of my life, and the next want to kill him. He also couldn't do trail rides, which sucked. But he was such a fun dressage horse most of the time. I miss this guy. 

This is Xavier. I didn't have the chance to ride him as long as I would have liked, but when he was great, he was amazing. He was the kind of horse who could just come in the ring and go. No spooking, no bad behavior, he would just go. And that was pretty incredible. He was an old soul, and certainly a lesson horse. He didn't do anything for you unless you asked for it. He would come in and track up and go round in his sleep, but me made sure you had the right cues for canter, leg yield, shoulder in, haunches in. He was a TON of fun though. He taught me so much in the few months I had to ride him, and I was able to show him first level. He wasn't able to stay sound, but he would have days when you would feel like you were floating. He did have a small bucking problem like once a year, but I never experienced that... so I only have happy memories of this boy :) He was also fabulous on trails and loved to gallop. 

You first horse is something special. She was the perfect combination of everything I wanted. She could drive, and didn't bat an eye at anything. She was lovable, and willing to listen. A bit pokey at first, but the second she understood how to go, and relax, and go round, you bet she tried her heart out. She could jump like she had wings, even in her draft body, and when you asked for a gallop - she was going. Once she believed you, and loved you, she gave her heart to you. She was getting better and better at dressage, and I felt 100% on her all the time. Which is really crucial to me. If I had to pick an all time favorite horse that I wanted to spend the rest of my horsey life with, it would have been this girl. But God had other plans, and Bella wasn't sound. 

 Although I probably would never admit I would own this girl if I could go back, she was pretty great. I always felt safe on her, and she was a great little mare to play around on. Not the most talented dressage horse, but she had a good heart. She was too small, otherwise I would have her right now. Most people liked her because of her cool socks, but I forgot about them most of the time. She was the best trail horse. Loved to run, and race. My friend and I would race anywhere we could whenever we could. We'd go to the donut hole, explore other barns, race home, and find jumps. If I had the money for two horses, she would be mine in a heart beat. She was a great little mare. I say I wouldn't have bought her - that I wouldn't have enjoyed her enough, but I sure had a better time on her than I'm having now.


And then there is Duncan. Which I right about enough.

And I'm learning that these things take time... but mostly I'm just learning

This horse has taken me to a place I don't want to be. Although I have been trying to find inspiration quotes lately.

My Inspiration:

And I'm learning that these things take time...

A good experience is not always an enjoyable one.

Trees that are slow to grow bear the best fruit.

Cling to the promises 

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on you own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." 

So this is going to be a bit more rushed that I'd like it, because I do have a lot to say, but I also have Stats homework and a quiz tomorrow! Woot! Hope I don't die in a school shooting or the end of the world. 

But anyways. This sucks sometimes, heck it sucks most of the time. And yep, I get upset about it. And yea, I realize most people think it's dumb that I bring God into my horse life. But the truth is I can't do it without Him there. And I don't care what people think of it. Without God I would not know why I put myself through the ups and downs, nor would I have anything solid to lean on. When I put too much of my trust, love, and faith into a horse they will ALWAYS disappoint. After all, God is a funny man. I begged for a horse, and He gave me Duncan. He gave me the least dependable, more frustrating, and somehow lovable beyond belief 4 year old. He has taught me unconditional love, and the importance of trusting that if He brought me to it, He will surly bring me through it. 

So today we did some natural horsemanship and it worked out really well! Did some lunging with no tack and just took it slow. I lunged him w/t/c before patting him all over and flinging the lunge line over while he stands there, worked on having him change directions the "au natural" way. And by the end he had a turn on the forehand like a normal horse! That's right, no leaping around out of your skin, half gallop turn on the forehand. Just a plain old move my leg under me. Pretty freaking sweet. Small victories. I want to ride him bareback. We will see. I will have to pull out my carrot stick and watch some Pat Perelli vids too. Going all out here. Hellz yea. 

Just One of Those Days

Yesterday Duncan was worse than he had been in a long time. Really frustrating when he is so scared of both ends of the arena and everything is making him scared. He get's way to up tight and then end ups sweating like crazy because he's so nervous. I don't get mad at him anymore, I just get confused I guess. I don't know how to help him. No matter what I do he will bolt passed the door he's scared of the second I ask him to do anything but walk by it. I think I am going to try natural horsemanship stuff. I guess we will see where it goes. I have decided he is going into straight training for a while and then I will try again and if it still is bad, he will be for sale.

Sore Boy

Carissa has been riding him and they are doing well together. I was looking forward to riding him tomorrow, but he was a little sore today, so he will get the day off tomorrow. It wasn't anything bad, but we gave him some bute and he will get a day or two off.
Right now I don't think I want to sell him. I want to be the one to show him, and have an amazing time with him later. But if this is not going to happen I will have to realize that. Hopefully by the end of March at the latest. There goes another show season, huh? Praying everything works out. A lot. God has done some awesome miracles with that horse, and I am really hoping they continue. I feel that He wants us together, for some strange reason, so I will stick it out.

Horses will be Horses

Scariest thing ever today with Duncan! So we were lunging and he got scared and spooked toward the inside, and bucked and managed to get his back leg wrapped around the lunge line. He was basically like he was at Hollis the first time he went there, but he ran a lot more. Obviously the lunge line was dropped.

The worst part was Emma was riding Rosie. And Duncan was bolting and freaking out all over the arena, and he was charging Rosie and Rosie backed up so fast to get away she fell on her knees and couldn't get up with Emma. And then she finally got up and he was still bolting and she started freaking out and it was this huge mess. I wasn't the one lunging and it is so much more scary when you aren't the one in charge. I didn't even think to move or do anything, I just stood there, shocked. It's such raw emotion that you see in their eyes when they do that, and their body language. It's rare to see a horse go to that place, and when they do it is bad. Really shook me up. I just stood there wanting to cry, and didn't know what to do. If I were in the situation I know I would have done what needed to be done, but it was so enthralling to sit there and just watch. I'm usually trying to control a horse at that point. It was just crazy. It wasn't anyone's fault, it's just horses and mistakes happen. I think everyone was a bit shaken up. But Duncan was ridden and did really well under saddle!

I've also been thinking a lot about if I want to keep him or not. So here is a pro con list, that I am just making up. And I know I go through this a lot, but it's always in the back of my mind. The problem is I've made 2 promises to myself, and don't know which one to keep. The first one I made after a horse names Chessie. I tried riding Chessie for more than a year, and was never willing to give up. No matter what, I always went out to the barn and tried to ride her, but most of the time I was scared. I remember before Gloria came over I had pretty much stopped riding her. I didn't want to go out a lot, and there was bunch of barn drama that was confusing and hard to deal with. But it never got better (riding Chessie). I never enjoyed her, and I didn't allow myself to stop loving her enough to detach, or to stop and realize that she was ruining riding for me. And that is a scary place to be. The unknown is a frightening place. One that I have really begun to hate. So after that I made a promise to never let a horse that I wasn't happy with have my heart, and that I would never stay with them. With Bella the choice was so much clearer. She was lame and couldn't do what I wanted. With Duncan, it's so blurry. The second promise went like this; one night I thought about 20 years from now Duncan and I. He had a great life, and was now retired. We showed together, went on trail rides, and he became that special once in a lifetime horse that I loved. That night I promised myself that I would never sell him. But "him" is my dream horse, and is he really it? And what is a promise to myself if I break one of them? It essentially means nothing. But in the end I think he will be a horse I can handle. So for now he is not for sale, but I want this to reflect on when I reevaluate in March.

Pros to keeping him:

I love him
He's my dream horse (just less spooky)
He's cute and adorable and my snuggle bud
I hope I will someday enjoy him and this hardship will be worth it
He has talent
Spooking means get up and go, which means good for dressage
He's forward! and picks up on everything so fast
I never want to see him go to anyone else. He will be with someone else, who he will love, and that person won't be me

I will feel I gave up, and I feel like he is the horse I'm meant to do "it" on, and that it's cheating if I sell him and get an easier horse. It just wouldn't mean as much.

I will regret something about it and cry a whole lot 

Cons to keeping him:
He is spooky, and will always be at least to some degree, spooky
I will be at college and it will be hard to be consistent with him and give him the time he needs
It would be so much easier and happier with another horse
I don't know if I can handle a spooky horse. I really hate that.
Will I ever enjoy him? What's the point of a horse if I don't LOVE riding it?

Basically, I want a crystal ball to tell me if it will be worth it someday. Any takers?

Goals

Since the beginning I have had goals with Duncan. They usually were a bit unreasonable for the time, but eventually got achieved. And when they were achieved the feeling that came with it was awesome.

My Goals:
Getting comfortable in the arena/Lunging
Getting tack on and lunging
Cross Ties
Getting on him
Going around walk/trot/canter

And my latest goal is to not hate riding him. I mean there are days when I do enjoy it, but there are many more that I dread it. I want to love riding him, and feel comfortable on him. I don't know if this can be obtained or not. But I hope it can be.

Ground Work Never Fails

I decided that groundwork was the way to go yesterday. Besides, you can't really get frustrated with that, because you can always fix it. Plus, if he does something bad who cares - I'm not on his back. So I lunged him a lot with the side reigns and worked on bending and cantering. Then we worked on turn on the forehand and learning to move away from pressure. Lastly we went to the wall and worked on a bit of leg yielding. Theses are all things he has done, but needed a refresher. Hoping it will carry through when I'm on him. I want to not lunge him and just ride so it can be more productive.

Today we will try ground poles and cross rails.

Unconditional Love

That is what Duncan is teaching me. How to love even when it's hard. How to love even when you don't want to. Duncan has been a brat lately. But I still love him.

Así Así

Lunged Duncan for what felt like forever today and he took awhile to settle in. Every little things matters to him, and the way I lunge directly effects how he is under saddle. He eventually started going round and such, but it took a while. The ride was so so. He's been having a little tude lately and objecting to things he doesn't like. Today it was the inside reign going to the left. He's a weirdo. He didn't do anything major, just didn't really want to work. He was pretty sweaty, so we did some figure eights and transitions and called it good.

The Light!

AHHH!! Finally a good day! You know how I was like when we finally get something right it makes it all worth it!? Well, I will write this here so that the next time I'm all upset about my horse being a baby I can see that in the end it is so worth it. When you have that one good ride, that bonding moment, and see just how amazing it feels, it makes it soo worth it.

Duncan has been spooking at this one stupid side of the arena, and we've just been working him through it. Yesterday when I went in I was happy to see him and decided that I needed to ride (when though I had a broken boot). So my friend duct taped it up and we headed into the arena. He didn't spook once at the door, and even worked well with 2 other horses in the ring. Emma was riding Rosie and Rosie got scared in the same spot Duncan did and bucked and Mr. Duncan trotted right on by, not even batting an eye lid. I was having so much fun riding him I looked down and saw how sweaty he was. I didn't even want to stop :) Great ride!

Bang it Out

Just ride, everyday and see where it goes. Try as hard as you can. Try when you don't want to; when you think there is nothing left to give. Just try.

It's Not Easy Training Greeny

Well stupid blogger deleted everything I said, further enhancing my bad mood. Whatever blogger.

Anyways, this will be worth it someday. This will pay off. I will have fun riding again. I will enjoy him someday, and we will have a good relationship in the end. Right?

5 Things I LOVE about him :)

1.) He doesn't have a mean bone in his body! He's amazingly sweet.

2.) How responsive he is to me. How what I say really does matter to him. He isn't some school lesson horse who does his job, he listens to me, and I teach him. What I do matters, and how I do it matters even more.

3.) How far we have come. It's the little things I love. How when I tack up I'm not worried about him spooking anymore. He doesn't break cross ties. He listens if I say no. I can trust him, and I never used to.

4.) His ability to say no. He doesn't let me brain wash him into doing anything. Because when he does do something, he really wants to, and gives me his heart.

5.) How amazing it feels when we get something right. Like no other feeling in the world.

My bad mood is now gone :)))

Updates

Went to an interesting feed clinic yesterday. These are the phone notes I took:
Don't feed grain 3 hrs before show, but allow hay and water until you ride
Provides energy with fiber in hay
Round bales are good, especially in winter
1% if body weight in hay if in diet 2%\3% if regular 
Hives you feed omega 3 or 6? 
Corn oil puts weight on, but veggie oil works better. Use oil and not Alpha cubes or whatever
Feet not holding up, bad coat, means bad immunity 
Vitamin a d and e are important 
Grain=extra energy 
Feed a lot of forage 
Feed a balanced diet and follow feeding directions
 Poor diet results in immune probs
 Energy=carbs

Other than that Duncan has been good lately. Working on some more advanced stuff. It is pretty fun. I think we may be moving soon, which is stressful for me. I really hope it doesn't delay progress even more, but the more places he sees the better it is. I think the indoor will be a lot better as well. For now we will stay where we are, and keep working. 

New Things

I AM SO HAPPY THE SADDLE FITTER CAME OUT TODAY!!! I was thinking I had to buy a new saddle, and that mine would never fit. It was really stressful. This saddle doctor was amazing! She was from Great Britain, well her history was even more amazing - she was born in the U.S, moved to South Africa and then moved to Great Britain. She used to be a diplomat and her husband was some head of the CIA. Like can your life get any cooler? She studied horses and saddle fitting in all of the places she traveled, and it gave her an amazing view and knowledge. She most recently has worked for Lauren, on the American eventing team. She was fitting someone else's saddle, but I asked her some brief questions about my saddle. She looked at Duncan and explained how we define a high withered in the saddle fitting world as negative space. It means his ribcage is lower than the wither, and the space between the top of his rib cage and the top of the wither is just tissue, and you have to have padding to fill it. She gave me this pad called pro light and it is the best bounce pad I have ever seen. It feels so amazing, and has inserts you can take in and out. It has been extensively tested in GB and all of their event team riders used this in the Olympics! Fingers crossed Duncan likes it! Pretty awesome! She left hers with me to try out too :)

Bleh

Duncan had an amazing few weeks, but that shortly went downhill. I was coming everyday and working him around 5 times a week, but at least seeing him everdyday. Now when I come like 4 or 5 days a week seems mad at me. He also does not seem happy. I think he is bored. He is still young and does still need to go out and run around and do things.
One day he decided to buck. He hasn't done it sense then, but it is always in the back of my mind. How am I supposed to trust him when I do not know what he is going to do next. Everyone puts their own opinion in, but honestly I don't want to hear people tell me how to train my horse. It's just obnoxious to have someone constantly breathing down your shoulder telling you how to do everything, and what you should do, or what will make it better. They don't know Duncan. They don't see him daily. They have no right to judge.

To Duncan:

You are my worst fear, and my best friend. My biggest weakness, and my strongest training tool. You are God's gift, and His most creative way of teaching me. Duncan, you are my way to the top, the horse that is most capable of taking me places, but also the one who is most likely to make me want to give up.

Everything about you makes me want to fear you. You're big, young, and not predictable. Yet I feel that it would be wrong of me to sell you and just do it with another horse. I think it is because I see you as the horse I am least likely to progress on, I feel that you are the horse I must do it on. So here we are; I am trying to teach you, and you are trying to grow up. Trying unfold your potential, because there is no doubt in my mind that you will do it. You will go all the way. You are the horse I will have forever. I fall in love with you more and more everyday, and you have slowly captured my heart. But the slower you took it, the more you ensured it was to stay that way.

P.S bucking will not get you out of work. Even if sometime you do manage to throw me, there will be lunging and I will get back on.

But It's Worth It

Duncan has been doing so great! I'm finally starting to trust him and give him the reigns to stretch, and relax a little bit on him. I'm loving it!

Hope

On Friday I took some of my senior pictures with Duncan! It was really fun, and he was a very good sport. At one point we needed him to look up and he wouldn't, so my friend Meghan went in a bush and shook it and spun branches around until he would put his head up. I think I've done well desensitizing him; he barley cared about the moving tree at first.
The next day I went out to ride him. The barn was packed, and there were lessons, people riding, people giving their horses baths, and little kids running around. Duncan was pretty easily distracted, but I was able to ride him, and we did some exploring. His favorite thing by far. We have our first lesson Monday! This should be interesting.

Realizations

I realized today that there is a big difference between being realistic and just being negative. You can think about worst case scenario, but you still have to let yourself be happy. You can't just be consumed by the bad stuff all the time.

With Duncan there will be bad times. There will be days I want to quit. But it always gets better. I allow myself to always go to worse case scenario; I will never have fun with him, he will never be not spooky, this is so hopeless. I do have fun when I have good rides, there are times when I bring him in and he doesn't spook, and I am doing it. Right here, right now, I go everyday and work him, and I can handle him. It almost felt like I couldn't allow myself to be happy because I was always worried about if Duncan would calm down enough that I could do it. Well I am doing it, slowly, but surely. It will come. 

Expectations

Expectations are never a good thing to have, especially with a baby horse. When I expect him to be good, or expect to get on him, or whatever it never seems to go well. It is days like today when I don't want him.

Surgery and The After Effects

So he had the surgery to remove the foreign body in his shoulder. It went well, we had to do an ultra sound to find the tiny piece of wood that was in him. We eventually got it, but he was not very happy. It is all stitched up and healing! He is already not as off and feeling good.

Yesterday I brought him in and tacked him up and lunged him and he was awesome! I was lunging him thinking, "life is good." I have senior priv and get out everyday at 12, can do all me homework, go to the gym, and then see my horse. Then it went bad... the mounting block is not our friend....

Good and Bad

We have good days and bad days. Yesterday and today have been bad days. Hoping things get better soon. It always feels like it never will when things aren't going well, but then when they're going well, they are going great. Idk...

The Horse I Know

Today was a reminder of the horse I know. He did really well in the arena and I had actually put tack on him. I was about to get on him when a new horse pulled up and was making a lot of noise. He lost it and freaked out. I put him back on the lunge and walked and did a lot of halt transitions but he was just not focused. I eventually got him to do one good one and then decided to end on a positive note. It was annoying and a little scary when he freaked out. I think he needed to run but I couldn't let him because of his leg. I was stuck for a minute and then thought go back to what he knows. He knows halt walk transitions and we have used it to gain his focus. We did lots of them with the wall until he could do it without it. It calmed him down enough so that I could actually lead him and he wouldn't trample me. I think his little brain is overwhelmed with the new barn, leg wraps, meds, tar on his shoulder, not having as much room to run around, and missing his old friends. He needs more time for a transition and I was rushing it. Will stick to tack and lunging until he feels 100% ready.

Round 2

Went out again today to give meds and wrap leg and such. I love when all of the horses are in and he is so calm and happy. I think he gets a little bored in his stall-he is used to being outside all day in a big heard running around- so he is for sure happy when I entertain him! It is great bonding time, he has no distractions, and it is all about me. Selfish maybe? But I like it. So happy there!

Duncan was a good boy today. I had to hose him off in a wash area and the black matts made a hollow noise that kid of freaked him out. He jumped at a horse inside, and then jumped again because of the noise the matts made, pretty funny to watch him sometimes :) I brought him in the ring to lunge him. He was feeling a lot better with the bute and smzs, so he actually had some energy. I had to keep him from galloping around. I will probably go back later and hose him, reapply the lovely black tar to his skin, and wrap his leg. Fun, fun!

Moving Forward

Duncan is all settled in at his barn. He is doing a lot better than I thought he would. He actually has a brain and can think. I walked him around the indoor yesterday and brushed him and such. He was perfect. Today he was a little stressed when I brought him the indoor, but was understandable with all that went on.
The vet came out today because he had a big bump on his shoulder. He had gotten cut at Robyn's, but it healed really fast. We aren't sure if he got kicked or it was an abscess due to the puncture wound. Either way, it was gross. He might have some wood or something in his shoulder, but she could not find anything. We are washing it, putting some tar stuff on it to bring anything to the surface, and then wrapping the leg to keep the huge swollen mass not near his tendons lower on his leg. I get to learn to do polo wraps! It has been on my list for awhile, I feel weird that I have been riding for so long and don't know how to do polos. But now is as good a time as any to learn!
Might ride him tomorrow and just walk. He needs to move it around. He is doing so well though, I'm proud of him! I think it will also help us grow closer, he only needs me and has to rely on me.

Summer Stuff

It's been so nice to spend time at the barn this summer and just get to chill. I've been working mornings, riding Duncan, riding Socks, helping out with other horses, and trying to find time for friends. Petty busy, but I like it! Duncan is a tough horse. We will have days that I'm like wow, this horse is am amazing, and then days where I could give him away. I think it's funny because it reflects my personality. I feel like I can be spot on some days, and the next be a bit of a mare. Duncan needs me to be good whenever I work him. He depends so much on me, and I need to be his rock. After a few rough days of me being frustrated and him not responding well I went to get him today with a positive attitude. The ride turned out so much better than the last one, and I was really happy with him. It is still a long, hard road, but it seems manageable on days like today. I have to trust in tvhe power at be that there will be more like this. Still walk trot under saddle, as I gave him a week off to recuperate and chill. Getting bettewr trot. I want to canter soon, I think it will help him get off my leg a lot. Socks is a constant kind game. Sometimes I love it, and sometimes I dont. She is so forward, and needs to relax, but when she relaxes she isn't through her back. Bt when she is forward and through her back and you try to channel the energy into leg yielding or something, she just gets tense. A lot of walk seems to help. I have also learned I need to be fair to her. There are times when she needs a good tap, but there are also times when she needs to think things through and decide she wants to do it. I hope it becomes more clear soon, it is frustrating working for months and not seeing any results. I wonder if I am pushing too hard, or she is just not good at dressage. I think both play a part. She loves trails and galloping, so it's really fun when we get to do that. Hopefully more trails in the future :)

Progress!

Haven't posted in a few days, but things have been going really well. As always, Duncan is making progress, but slowly. I can not walk and trot him under saddle, but we mainly do it with glo there-she has a super calming effect, and I don't want to disrupt the flow. It is working, I am riding, and all is good. Had an awesome bonding time with him tonight. I love when you and your horse just kind of meet on the same level. It doesn't happen all that often, especially with a horse as guarded as Duncan, but I went in his paddock and he was laying down, and I just sat with him. When he got up (stupid Xavier chased him away, so I made Xavier leave) he usually runs away, but this time he stood there waiting for me to come back over, and didn't seem mad that I was there. He let me pet him and didn't even flinch! And he rested his head on me and kinda fell asleep. It was super cute, and really let me into his world. After that tranquil experience i moved onto socks. She has been bratty about the canter lastly and it seems she's gotten it in her mind that she can avoid stuff she doesn't like. She is totally not s dressage horse, and the fact that she is in lessons totally sucks. We finally get some place and some random kid gets stuck on her and it's like minute by minute i see my progress slipping away. I think the only thing to help her is if she is taken out of lessons and is ridden by one person who continuously works with her, until she gets better. But unfortunately she needs to earn her keep somehow, so it is what it is for now. I have been frustrated with her, and how she thinks she can just blow me off. I was lunging her today and when I asked her to canter she would face around and then pick it up. She has been doing that far too long, so when she did that I would make her trot slowly and then tell her to canter, and if she did not I would immediately tap her. We repeated this process about 20 million times, until she was about half dead and finally decided when I said canter it meant now. I hoped on and her head flew to the floor in a stretchy walk. We did lots of stretch and when I asked for the canter she picked it up right away. Ater a good canter in each direction with reasonable stretch and collection I cooled her out on the drive way. We will see how this process works tomorrow.

A bit of scary, but a lot of happy.

So I officially took Duncan out of training. I'm so thankful that I had people to help me with him from the first day he was there. I was way in over my head and did not have a clue what I was doing. If I hadn't had those people to help me I know I would be one of those horse people who have crazy horses that they just pay board for and are too scared to touch. I am so fortunate that I had help in training him those initial months. Thanks to Gloria, Robyn, Kristin, and Emma!

I made the realization the other day that everything from here on out is up to me. It is kind of a crazy feeling when you realize that your horse's future is in your own hands. Up until now it has been me doing the easy stuff and just having fun with him, and the trainers working him and doing the hard stuff. No longer do I have anyone to fall back on, and even if I am scared, I need to work him, because no one else will. I got a big dose of reality when I got him in from the paddock and he was scared of everything. We could barley get around the arena. I lunged him for awhile, but a welsh cob mare was in the ring, and they were trying to desensitize her. I soon realized Duncan needed a little desensitization of his own. I managed to grab a big scary grain bag and walk him to the round pen. We were both just getting really frustrated because he wasn't getting used to it, and I was getting mad at him. I took a second to reset and put the bag on the ground. I grabbed some treats and came back into the round pen. Duncan was looking a little better about it so I tried having him step on it. He did a little and I made sure to give him lots of reward. After that it turned into a really positive experience, and he kept walking on it and let my rub it on him. He relaxed after that and we walked in the arena and he was a bit calmer. It gave me reasurance that I can do it, and well I think I just scared him.

Crazay Day!

Started out well with a good day at school, and I was in a fabulous mood! Went to the barn, which always seem to work its magic by somehow making me sad lately, and saw two big horse accidents. I was really shaken up by that. Then went in the paddock to get Duncan, only for him to run away, and when I smacked him for being dumb he reared and almost hit me, so I had to dodge him and went into the electric fence :p luckily I didn't get zapped!
Went over to see my friend and get away for a bit, and then went back to see Dunc. I decided I wanted to lunge him and maybe ride him. He was really spooky and dumb when I was lunging, but seemed to work out of it okay. I did some in hand work and made sure he was listening, and then got on him in the round pen. My friend and I tried several times to make him walk on his own while still attached to the lead line, but he just was not having it. Finally I said just let him go, and he was perfect! Couldn't have asked for anything better! He was amazing!

I love my horse :) He puts up with my hugs and kisses and crazy ideas. He's such a good boy :)

:)

Really good lesson on Soxy today. Her trot work was soo good by the end, and she even started stretching in the canter. She's come so far!
Saw Duncan today for a little bit. He wasn't exactly thrilled to come in, but was a good sport about it. He freaked out at the cross ties and I thought he was going to break them, but he stopped once he realized he couldn't get away :) good boy Duncan!
Brought one of the kids I'm "mentoring" (I guess you could call it that) to the barn today. She rode Jag... and fell in love. She was really funny. I taught her how to make him go, stop and turn, and she just wanted to do everything. She was pretty sure she knew how to ride by the end of it, and wanted to gallop (I didn't let her). She reviewed everything she learned on the car ride home, she told me all of the horses names and described vividly how to make a horse do what you want. She is the cuttest kid ever :)

The Difference a Day Can Make!

So many things go on in my life, and they're only in a matter of days. Like this whole Duncan being all meh and running away in the paddock. It started Tues. and it is now Friday. It seems like it's been happening for like a month, but no, just a few days. Kind of funny when I think about it... and to think I call him dramatic!
He was good today. I walked up to the paddock to get him thinking everything was going to be okay, and that he was not going to run away, and he didn't! He walked politely down the driveway and let me brush him, and hug him, and kiss him, and squirt him with fly spray! He was such a good boy :) I even forgot to leave his halter on and went back out and he let me put it on, and started to follow me without realizing I wasn't actually making him come :)

Untraditional Learning

     I have learned in a way that most have not. Most dressage instructors might not approve of the way I was brought up in the horse world. At the first barn I was at I gained experience, something often over looked to new riders, but still vital. I was taught the basics of dressage, yes, but I was given horses to just play with. To ride and practice what I learned in my lessons, horses to trail ride. If I hadn't had those experience I know I would not be the rider I am today.
     Although there were plenty of times when I fell hard and got my fair share of dirt in my face, it taught me so much more. It taught me perseverance; that even when I fell and didn't think it possible to continue, I had to pick myself up and get back on. After all, it would be a long walk back to the barn if I didn't. I had the opportunity to ride horses that were plenty capable of throwing me, and I had to learn, unassisted, how to control them. Every time I stayed on a horse spooking or refusing a jump I fell off at least three times doing that same thing before. The lessons I learned could be harsh, but they taught me so much, the falls and the failure I felt then were worth it in the end. It allowed me to ride at the same levels of those who had had far more time in the saddle than I.
 

"Every little thing is gonna be alright."

Wow, sucky, sucky day. My horse was so bad, wouldn't let me catch him, wouldn't go down the driveway, didn't want me to tack him up, didn't want anything to do with me. I put him in the round pen for a bit and watched a group lesson. (Ok, so I was having a bit of a pity party today) and I was sitting watching the lesson, wishing Xavier was sound so I could ride him and get to do the stuff those riders were doing, but ya know I can't do anything about that. I had to keep saying I got to ride Socks, and she was coming along so well! But anyways, I got Duncan back out and started to tack him up. I felt like he just needed a reset button. I didn't want what happened earlier to ruin the whole day, I wanted him to know that I still loved him, and that is was ok. It kinda worked, I pet him and tried reassuring him, but he didn't want much to do with me. He was more interested in what his friends were doing. But anyways ended up putting my leg over him and just taking it slow. A little later I went up to the paddock again with a friend and he at least let me touch him (with some work). I know it's a work in progress, but days when it seems like all your hard work just doesn't pay off can be plain depressing.

It sucks when you don't get what you want, or things just don't go your way. No one ever likes that, but I think it is a really important lesson to learn. God has a plan for my life, everything will work itself out. I will be okay. Duncan will be okay. Everything will be okay.

Win some, loose some.

Bad day with Duncan today, which is really a bummer, because he's been doing so well lately. I was ready to trot on him. But I went out to the paddock to get him and he wouldn't let me get near him, like not even touch him or give him a treat. It's been like this ever since he went out in the back field. He's been so dumb. So frustrating!
It's also hard to train him... There always seems to be something that comes up and she can't make it, or I can't, or there is no ring time. Complications!
I guess things in my life have just been bad lately, and having Duncan hasn't helped. Duncan is so stressful, and not fun to work, I don't really enjoy him. I'm also mad that I'm too scared of him and can't train him myself, and have to rely on other people so much. And now I suck at riding. I haven't ridden well trained horses in so long, I feel like I can't do anything right. I'm timid around horses I used to be able to ride, and my seat is just bad. School work is getting so hard, and finals are coming up, and all kinds of end of the year tests and such. God doesn't seem to be here like He promised He would. Everything in my life is out of control, and God isn't helping. He is supposed to, but He isn't. So what do I do? Fill my time with horses. And what does that do? Nothing good.

Show

Had my first show with High Socks yesterday! It was better than I expected. In our first intro c class we had a better ride, she was in front of my leg and reached for more contact, but we got 4th. In our second class, training 1, we didn't have as good a ride, but we came in second. She was really good, especially for a first show. I'm so proud of her! And it is soo exciting to see the work you put in, actually come out! A month or so ago I started riding her and she didn't really have a canter, and now we're showing it! What? Awesomeness!

Saw my horse for like the first time all week. I brushed him a little then brought him in the arena during a group lesson. There were a few Friesians running around that really scared him. I just stood there with him for awhile until he relaxed. I'm glad I can handle him when he's freaking out now. Slow steps, but we're getting there.

High Socks

I feel bad for putting Duncan on hold this week. I have a show with High Socks Sunday, and didn't know I was doing it until Tuesday... less than a week to get ready for a show=awesome.
It actually isn't that bad though. I love the stress of getting ready, trying so hard to work towards a goal. It is something I didn't realize I missed so much until I started to get ready for this show season. I'm not sure how we are going to do though. Sometimes she is really good, and other times she is a train wreck, breaks the canter, or worse, doesn't want to pick it up when I say so. So I guess we shall se, main goal: stay in the ring. I'm not sure if we will be able to do it, but I'm going to try!
Duncan has been getting worked a little bit. People are getting on, he lunges with someone on him at the walk. Trying to get him to trot. He's doing well, but it's still slow.

And she's on!

I GOT ON MY HORSE!
It is so much scarier when you're actually up there, and not just the ground person. I didn't think I would do it, but I did, and now I am soo glad! He was perfect! Awesome experience.

Missin my girl

Although I love Duncan and he is learning very fast, I miss having an easy horse to ride. A horse I didn't have to always be watching. With Bella I could hop on and run around and have fun, or do some dressage, set up some ground poles. It was just fun. I could ride bareback and lay on her, cry on her, laugh with her. And now she's gone, and I have Duncan. And he is great, but he is not Bella. Bella was a once in a lifetime horse, truly special. She was amazing, and her heart was like no other. I was so privileged to get to work with her, and am glad she has moved on to a home where she will enjoy herself more.

After talking with a friend, I think my issue is I'm not ready for dressage. There is riding, and then there is dressage. I need to fix stuff... hard stuff. But I will work on it.
I am getting on Duncan today... I am getting on my horse for the very first time today :)

Frustration. That is about where I'm at right now. Mega frustrated. I can't ride. I suck, and I don't know why, or how to fix it. I have gotten so much worse in a year and you can not even believe how much that aggravates me. Mad beyond belief.
Duncan is good though (thank God I'm not the one training him). He's getting better under saddle. He's pretty chill, but I just need to trust him, which will hopefully come with time. It's a slow process, but we're miles from where we were.
I guess I just don't know where to go from here. I'm so mad at myself.

Good and Bad

Wow Duncan has just like transformed! My crazy horse that I wanted to sell because I couldn't handle him has turned into the horse of my dreams. Literally he has everything I want in a horse. Emma got on him yesterday, and he was great! A little worried, but walked around and did fine. I've been lunging him, he cross ties, kind of getting on him. He's so amazing! I mean I still get nervous about him, but I'm learning to trust him more. I need to be more open to him. I will need to see him never spook before I trust him, but he is a horse.
I went to Breezy with Emma and saw her trainer riding. It really confirmed what I've been learning lately. Warm up long and low, do minimal amounts of collection, and do long and low again. Baby horses need to stretch. Basic training scale.
For my riding I've been in kind of a funk lately. I'm riding with a few different people (Robyn and Cassi) and they both have totally different things to offer. With Robyn I'm riding her green horse, training it. Which is what I'm used to. With Cassi I'm riding a second school master, which I'm not used to. Both needed, one not really understood just yet. I need to start doing yoga to loosen up, since I don't get to ride that much anymore.

Making Progress

Duncan is getting so much better! After we got over the whole don't you put a halter on me thing everything seems to be going really well! He now accepts a saddle, lunges, and is becoming calmer and calmer. He needs to get out and see more situations, but that will come with time. I'm glad he is more trusting of me now though, it makes everything so much easier. He is actually kind of fun to work with now. I can't wait till we sit on him!

Duncan

     So basically I bought a new horse. His name is Duncan (it's a work in progress). He had never had a regular halter on when I bought him. He isn't used to being pet, worked... basically anything that doesn't involve standing in a paddock and eating he isn't quite sure is worth it just yet. He is adorable, sweet, smart, willing, and an all around good boy. He is however green, and I am young.
     The first week or so I had my old trainer, who also works at the barn, do some ground work with him. He was scared of everything and hadn't seen an indoor before, let alone a cover-all; the scariest of them all! I was too scared to lead him anywhere but his paddock. Brushing him was about the highlight of the day. I slowly worked up confidence and now lead him around, into the arena, and even have put a surcingle, bit, and saddle pad on. He is very good for them all.
     Even though he was being very good, I still felt there was a certain disconnect, which was followed by my persistency to find out how to fix it. I arrived at the barn today in a pretty pouty mood, got my horse, and started walking him around. My friend came and walked him a little bit. We showed him stuff and put him back in his paddock. So I put him back and quickly realized I forgot to leave his halter on. Silly me! So I somehow justified it would be worth my while to go back in, try to catch him, and put his halter on. So as I attempted that I ended up chasing him around trying to get him to join up with me. That didn't work, and Robyn soon showed up with helpful advice. I walked slowly over to him once I had his attention, and eventually was able to get his halter on, and he stood there! He was never so good about it! It was the most amazing thing ever!! He's so lost, and scared, and to have him let me in was incredible.