Horses will be Horses

Scariest thing ever today with Duncan! So we were lunging and he got scared and spooked toward the inside, and bucked and managed to get his back leg wrapped around the lunge line. He was basically like he was at Hollis the first time he went there, but he ran a lot more. Obviously the lunge line was dropped.

The worst part was Emma was riding Rosie. And Duncan was bolting and freaking out all over the arena, and he was charging Rosie and Rosie backed up so fast to get away she fell on her knees and couldn't get up with Emma. And then she finally got up and he was still bolting and she started freaking out and it was this huge mess. I wasn't the one lunging and it is so much more scary when you aren't the one in charge. I didn't even think to move or do anything, I just stood there, shocked. It's such raw emotion that you see in their eyes when they do that, and their body language. It's rare to see a horse go to that place, and when they do it is bad. Really shook me up. I just stood there wanting to cry, and didn't know what to do. If I were in the situation I know I would have done what needed to be done, but it was so enthralling to sit there and just watch. I'm usually trying to control a horse at that point. It was just crazy. It wasn't anyone's fault, it's just horses and mistakes happen. I think everyone was a bit shaken up. But Duncan was ridden and did really well under saddle!

I've also been thinking a lot about if I want to keep him or not. So here is a pro con list, that I am just making up. And I know I go through this a lot, but it's always in the back of my mind. The problem is I've made 2 promises to myself, and don't know which one to keep. The first one I made after a horse names Chessie. I tried riding Chessie for more than a year, and was never willing to give up. No matter what, I always went out to the barn and tried to ride her, but most of the time I was scared. I remember before Gloria came over I had pretty much stopped riding her. I didn't want to go out a lot, and there was bunch of barn drama that was confusing and hard to deal with. But it never got better (riding Chessie). I never enjoyed her, and I didn't allow myself to stop loving her enough to detach, or to stop and realize that she was ruining riding for me. And that is a scary place to be. The unknown is a frightening place. One that I have really begun to hate. So after that I made a promise to never let a horse that I wasn't happy with have my heart, and that I would never stay with them. With Bella the choice was so much clearer. She was lame and couldn't do what I wanted. With Duncan, it's so blurry. The second promise went like this; one night I thought about 20 years from now Duncan and I. He had a great life, and was now retired. We showed together, went on trail rides, and he became that special once in a lifetime horse that I loved. That night I promised myself that I would never sell him. But "him" is my dream horse, and is he really it? And what is a promise to myself if I break one of them? It essentially means nothing. But in the end I think he will be a horse I can handle. So for now he is not for sale, but I want this to reflect on when I reevaluate in March.

Pros to keeping him:

I love him
He's my dream horse (just less spooky)
He's cute and adorable and my snuggle bud
I hope I will someday enjoy him and this hardship will be worth it
He has talent
Spooking means get up and go, which means good for dressage
He's forward! and picks up on everything so fast
I never want to see him go to anyone else. He will be with someone else, who he will love, and that person won't be me

I will feel I gave up, and I feel like he is the horse I'm meant to do "it" on, and that it's cheating if I sell him and get an easier horse. It just wouldn't mean as much.

I will regret something about it and cry a whole lot 

Cons to keeping him:
He is spooky, and will always be at least to some degree, spooky
I will be at college and it will be hard to be consistent with him and give him the time he needs
It would be so much easier and happier with another horse
I don't know if I can handle a spooky horse. I really hate that.
Will I ever enjoy him? What's the point of a horse if I don't LOVE riding it?

Basically, I want a crystal ball to tell me if it will be worth it someday. Any takers?