Well not a kid, but a teenager. I don't need my next grand prix horse, I don't even need a third level one. I need a horse I can go gallop through the fields with, and throw on the trailer and head to a show with. One I can trust, but also get some stuff done on. That was advice my old trainer gave me, and it was a bit too late for me to go back at that point. But she is absolutely right. If only those words had been said to me 6 months earlier. Part of me lets my mind go there - to a place I shouldn't be. A place where I'm angry at God. Where I wonder why Bella just had to be lame, why Socks couldn't have been a hand taller, which may seem like little things, but things that would have changed my life. Things that would have allowed me to be happy. And yea, I know everyone is like you have a horse, a talented, adorable, loving, amazing horse. And yes, I know all of those things are true, but if he isn't right for me, than it doesn't matter how cute, lovable, or talented he is. I want to question God's motives in all of this. I want to hate Duncan. I want to hate the people who didn't tell me no - the people who I trusted to tell the truth. I want to hate myself for letting my parents down - and then I want to hate them for giving me the chance to hold them up. And most of all, I want to crumble in fear at what the future holds. If I decide to sell him, what will happen to him? If I decide to keep him, what will happen to me?
But there is no use crying over spilt milk. There is no use being angry at God, because the question is not where was God during all of this, it is where was I? Certainly not asking Him what to do. Because maybe if I had I would have chosen differently. The people who let me down wouldn't have had any say, and the people I let down wouldn't have invested so much money into something they will never get back. I can't hate Duncan, because it is not his fault. I love God for never giving me the chance to let Him down, because He never gave me the chance to hold Him up. And I want to thank Him, for giving me something to bring confusion, anger, sadness, and pain, because it has made me realize what He does that is so amazing. And it has shown me to trust. Trust that He has the most amazing plan for my life, and luckily for me, He does great things with bad mistakes. He can make it so they really aren't mistakes at all, but an opportunity to grow closer to Him. So I will not be angry, I will not be worried, actually I won't do anything at all. God will work in miraculous ways in my life, and continue to show me just how much He loves me, and what wonder plans He has in store. And because of that I am able to stand strong, but not because of me. That's for sure.
No comments:
Post a Comment