Going Back or Moving Forward?

Duncan is progressing. He is less spooky and I am getting more confident. Still all ground work. I need to get my butt back in the saddle. I'm not doing it until I want to. Until I think, this looks like a horse I want to ride. And he is getting there, but he is not there. I think because I was not the one who was doing his ground work in the beginning I missed that step. I got to see him do all the bad stuff, and good, but never got to feel it. We never built that trust. And now we are.

I have not yet thought to myself, I want to go back. Go back to how things used to be. And I really haven't. Sure, there are times I miss galloping through the field or having a relationship, but I've just looked forward. Today I really miss the old stuff. I would never go back, because I know that is not where I am supposed to be, but there is a part of me that wonders where everything would be if nothing had changed. Where would Duncan be in his training? Or would he be gone? Where would I be as a rider and personally? Would I have had this personal growth? Would I have gotten to where I am with Duncan? Probably not. But I miss the person who trained me, who taught me everything I know, I miss being on the same page, I miss having a relationship, and knowing them. I miss someone understanding my jokes, and more so understanding me. I miss down to Earth people. These dressage queens.... I'm telling you. I don't want to compete, but they try to, because I have all the stuff. But I don't share their hearts. I really miss doing something that I think is right and okay, and not being afraid of other people coming in and yelling at me for it. Even though I know I'm in the right place, some days I miss it. But that feeling will go away.  My heart will forget, and I will move on. That's the saddest part. Someday I will forget.