Hell Town

1/5 right hind lameness. Clean stifle x-rays. It's getting better. Kelly is helping a lot.

Am I ready to go back to school? Am I ready to have my horse on basically no turn out? Am I ready to deal with drama? Am I ready to argue for my horse's care. Am I ready to take a dressage class with a trainer I don't trust just quite yet? Am I ready to go back to that place? No. Will I ever be? No.

Duncan does so well here. He's out in a herd. He's doing awesome. When I go back to Houghton everything is going to suck again. And don't say it won't... because it will. With the whole 4 hours of of turnout Duncan gets, his muscles and his mind are shot. With the tiny indoor that I barley get to ride him in his fitness sucks. With all the opinions constantly being thrown at me my confidence and ability to ride my way is gone. With a bunch of people constantly starting drama and causing chaos the relaxation of the barn is gone. With the constantly differing views between me and my peers and I, I see new levels of frustration. With a chore crew incompetent to feed or follow any directions my horse's diet is... well never going to happen. Am I ready? NO.

I hate this place. I love the people, but I hate this barn. It's not because it's a bad barn, it's because I do things much differently. What they do is not wrong, it's just not what I would want to do. I hate all of the things listed above. About 0% of me wants to go back. But what else can I do? Nothing. Suffer? No, make the best out of an awful situation. Here we go. Back to hell.

Duncan is back at home now... what is kind of like home anyway. He trucked smoothly from New York and settled in quickly when he got back here. So far I've ridden him a few times and he's been pretty good. My friend Kelly got on him yesterday and that was really good. She mainly just worked with him on stuff from the walk and trot, but it's still stuff that needed to be worked out. It's all basically the same thing that I'd been doing with Terry before she left. He has always been really stiff backing up and just doesn't seem to want to do it, and now more so than ever. But I think I'm too quick to pull him and don't think about the timing of it enough. It needs to be more deliberate, thought out steps that are slowly increased, as

Still Truckin'

Duncan is doing better. He has been diagnosed with PSSM, so he can not eat any carbs or sugar. The lyme treatment is almost done so that's a relief! He also has a right hind stifle inflammation problem, so he is on previcox for that. He has to be on 20% fat a day in his grain (which, incase you didn't know, is pretty darn impossible, especially if you want them to stay a decent weight), and can not eat regular grain. He is also supposed to be worked 6 days a week and have as much time outside as he can. Preferable 24 hours, but 12 hours at the least. So we are trying to make that work. Although this is a lot, he is still rideable, and I have answers. I am so thankful for both of those things. I now know how to help him, and what to do, instead of searching endlessly - the whole time people telling me there was nothing wrong with my horse. It can only go up from here.. right?

His training  unfortunately is not as cut and dry and the medical answers. I am confused. I am without a trainer. I don't trust people very easily when it comes to training my horse, and I don't let very many people help me. I ask a lot of questions, not because I don't believe them, but because I want to ensure that they are having me do something that will not harm my horse. I have been so fortunate to have some great trainers and instructors, but am also disappointed when others do not live up to them. I don't have a Robyn and I don't have a Terry. Those are really the only two people I trust. When riding here everyone in the arena tries to tell you how to improve what you're doing. Although it is always helpful to have eyes on the ground, I don't want them. No, I don't trust other college students from who knows where teaching me how to train my horse. They may know what they're talking about, but at each of their riding levels they can't see the bigger picture, they can't feel what I'm feeling - they lack experience. Most of them, there are exceptions.

My problems:
- He doesn't back up softly; it's a battle
-He is too quick in his pace, but not off my leg
-He doesn't do the change direction thingy smoothly...at all
-He's scared of the Christmas decorations
-I am becoming a rider I don't like here
-I pull too much
-I have too much grey area in the reigns

Things to help that:
-Start slowly. Use leg to support him. In order to use leg to support him in transitions or in backing up he first has to respect my leg. Get the flag. Make him more responsive. Once he is more responsive, take it slow. Walk, stop, back up. Repeat. Trot, stop, back up. Repeat. Use my legs to aid him in that, my seat to compel him backwards, life my body, make him straight, DON'T PULL, but have pressure, open my hands wide and counter him where he isn't straight. Go back and reteach and relearn.
-Flag will enhance him moving off my leg. Use my seat better
-I have been trying the change direction thing forever. Use the flag until it gets better? Or start praying?
-GROUND WORK.. McClare style. He isn't going to have time to look at those Christmas decorations
-Watch Buck, talk to God, stop complaining about it and ride how you know. If people see my results they will see how I took a different route to get to the same destination
- Take a step back, slow things down, stop pulling, start asking. Soft Feel.
-Stop being afraid to pick up the reigns. Get in there, get it done, and get out. If I keep having that in between I will never get anywhere.

So many things, just so many things are happening. First of all college. That is enough in itself. No time for anything, but I'm making time to ride. By the end of my summer in Brownfield Duncan and I were doing simple changes. They were rough, but we were really getting somewhere.

We went from that, to barley being able to pick up a lead. Typically I would examine my riding for something this bad, but I have, and have not come up with anything. I have ridden a lot of horses over long periods of time, and don't think any of them have gone this badly. I have tried everything I have ever been taught to get him to pick it up. Leg yielding, doing a small circle and then cantering, squares... asking for the canter while doing the corner of a square. He does now know where his body is. It is almost like he has wobbels. He can't control his hind end and it's not a training error. I make my mistakes. My timing could always be better, and I could always place my hips in a better position when asking for the canter. But those things never stopped us like that before. I tried and tried to see something wrong with my riding, but when Terry came to New York and wasn't able to fix the problem, I knew something was going on. He knows what a lead it, and I really doubt it is his training. When we were cantering today and he actually got the right lead (going to the right is better) he couldn't even turn the corner. I don't even know anymore. Is it lyme? Does he have wobbels? This is not my horse, and I find it really hard to believe that he is doing all of this because he wants to. That just isn't Duncan. 

College. No time. Barn people suck. Equestrians are awful people. Basically it.

Duncan has had about a month off. He had an abscess that refused to come out for about three weeks. He also has lyme disease, so he has started the doxy to treat that. He also popped a big splint on his hind leg, which also would have contributed to him not being sound. So after all of that I was finally able to get back on him yesterday and had a great lesson. I have learned from riding other horses this month and it made it easier to get back on him and make him straight. We both still have lots to learn, but we are def getting better! Love him!

Update

I know I haven't updated in awhile, but things have just been going really well. Duncan is doing super and I had been riding him a lot. He has an abscess right now, so we are waiting for that to pop. Farrier came today and said he was too sore to put shoes on, which I figured. He is coming back Friday so hopefully abscess will be gone and he can get four shoes. There is a show on Sunday that I am signed up for. I haven't really been able to ride DUncan for like three weeks due to him being sore, so this should be an interesting time. I'm sure he will be fine, but training wise it's stressful not being able to practice. If Duncan is not sound I might take my friend Kelly's horse. She is an Art Deco or however you spell it, but she's super nice. I think I'm going to ride her tonight and see how it goes.
But other than that we have been having a great summer. I have taken Duncan swimming a couple of times and he seems to really like it. Have been doing lots of trail rides. His ring work needs a little work, but we will get there. I have been feeling a little overwhelmed by all of this new stuff I am learning. I don't understand timing and need to get better at it. So hopefully the more I do it the more I will understand.

Good Things Happening

Duncan has been so great lately. We will randomly have these amazing weeks when everything clicks, and when that happens it is the best thing ever. It makes all of the struggles over the past year seem so insignificant totally worth it. Lately he has been so forward and off my leg, which is probably a combination of wearing a spur, his feet being freed up, and me not being afraid to ask him for that. He has also been getting round really easily, his mouth is soft, and he has been doing stretchy trot, free walk, and even some stretching at the canter. On Sunday and Monday we had awesome rides. Sunday we had a lesson in the outdoor and it was great. Probably the first lesson that wasn't stressful because I'm all worried about something, and Duncan and I could just get stuff done. On Monday I brought him in and he was having one of those days that I hate. When he is scared of everything and just can't focus. This happens less and less lately, but there are days when it does, and I never know what to do. This time I went and asked Terry for help. She so happily came off the couch to see Duncan. She did a lot of groundwork. Nothing hard, just made him disengage his hind end a lot and focus on her. I do things similar to that, but not as quickly or efficiently. She brought him to where he was scared and even did the ground work out the door. After she gave him to me and I practiced it until he felt good. When I got on he felt really loose and moved his feet well. He did try to look at the scary stuff a little, but I just bumped him with my leg and he was fine. We even did a stretchy trot around the ring. I know it's nothing big, but it just makes me so happy that even on the days he comes in dancing around that I now have the tools to calm him down and that we can still have a good ride. And finally, yesterday I wanted to give him an easy day, but whenever I've tried to do that in the past it hasn't really worked. Either because he was way too nervous to go around and stretch, or because he didn't know how. Today was the first day I have been able to just do an easy, stretch day. Where he just went around in a free walk, trot, and canter. The canter was kind of funny. He had his head down and I asked him for the canter and I think he had a slight moment of "whenever I canter with my head this low it means buck", and he did think about it for a moment, but then just went off cantering. So happy!!

Things have been good with Duncan lately. We had our first dressage show, which he did great in. He's had a little time off lately because of some back stuff, but the vet did some chiro on him and he has been good. There is also a horse here for training, River, that I have been riding. He's fun and sort of like Duncan.
Duncan and I have been liking to trail ride and have fun. I decided not to worry about showing this year, and we will pick it up next year. He is so young, and I wasn't feeling good about where he was training wise. If and when we show I want to be prepared and feel good about it. I want to do it right, not half ass. And dressage is not important to me right now. Eventually it will be, but for now we are doing other things and taking some time. And I am fine with it. We did our first schooling show at Hearts and Horses. We did intro b and c. We got a 67 in intro c and won the class, and a 63 in intro b and got third. They were okay rides, but the judge was generous. Duncan got around the arena, did not spook, and didn't leave. It was a good first show. And I was happy with it. But it made me realize I am not going into a show again until I feel ready.
 But I do want to get some stuff done so that we can do something when we go to college. Because Duncan and I are off to Houghton in August! I am so excited! Not so much for the school work part but for the horse part. It is going to be awesome to be training with an awesome trainer, and have so many girls my age who ride and are Christians. I am so excited for that. It is everything I love all in one. Should be pretty awesome.

Good Rides Lately

Last weekend we went to the beach!! I never imagined in a million years that I would be able to take him to the beach this year. It just amazes me that he was so good and we could gallop down the beach! I also did not think I would be able to gallop him for a long time. The stuff that we have accomplished at Terry's is crazy. I am so thankful I found her and that we have stayed there. So many things I will do differently now. Lunging him was pointless, side reigns didn't help him. I'm not saying I will never use them again, they just did not work for him. And it completely amazes me that there is this totally new way of doing things. For so long I would not have believed any of this stuff would work, but I guess it took a personal experience.

Last Friday I went up to brownfield for the weekend and we went on a trail ride. For a place I thought I would hate I like it an awful lot. We went to Conway for dinner and then went to the one bar in Browntown for this music thing. Meghan came up and it was really fun! The next morning we all decided to go to the beach at like 7 in the morning so we went outside, tacked up, and headed out. The sun came out and it was an amazing day! Duncan was perfect. He went in the water, trotted through it, galloped down the beach, and didn't spook at anything. When we first got out there it was scary going through the path to get out but if I gave him the reigns and patted him he calmed down. When we first started walking he wanted to trot and I wasn't letting him, but Terry told me to trot him and let him go and he just trotted until he calmed down. It was good for him to move his feet. We have been doing a lot of trail rides lately. It kind of feels like I'm avoiding ring work, but we are both happy on trails. I like it better because I don't have to push him forward, he just naturally wants to go. And I still work on leg yields, soft feel, and make him listen. So that is what I'm going to do.

Week in Browntown

Lots has happened since my last post! Things with Duncan had been going really well, and I was starting to trust him. He would check things out, but wouldn't spook or anything. The spurs help him listen. Although I am no so sure I want to use spurs on him, if used appropriately they do work. The other day we were working on some leg yielding and transitions (which he was doing super well with!) and then another rider appeared on the other side of the arena. He hates that side of the arena, but had been good down there, until the horse appeared. He spun and took off and I almost stayed on, but then the lady kept going and he moved again, and off I went. It didn't hurt or anything (well, as little as falling off a horse can't hurt) but I did loose some confidence. Of course the next day it snowed like crazy up in Browntown, so there was so on the roof and lots of wind, and we were all by ourselves. So I free lunged him, tried on my new saddle, and face timed Emma. A good use of my time I think.

I stayed up at Terry's this week. I came Monday after school before the snow storm and got a lesson, and just never made it home. I went to school and headed back up for the vet Wednesday. We went on a trail ride and Terry got on him in the ring. She does an amazing job with him. I'm happy she can ride him so well because it means she can teach me something, but I want to be able to ride him like her. He's soft, round, on the bit, forward. If she could show him dressage he'd be set.

I also noticed how hard it is to get up and go ride when you live at a barn. It's not that fun when you're there all day everyday. I'm happy I board. It makes riding more fun. As for summer plans... I feel like I'm always caught between a rock and a hard place lately. Only, my choices aren't that hard. I could stay in Brownfield and do some lessons and do some house sitting and a whole lot of chores. Or I could teach at Hearts and Horses and guide trail rides, and show with the other girls, and still be home and get to see some friends. It seems like working at HnH is better, but I really love it in Brownfield. I don't know how... it's the middle of no where, but it's a great place to be.

:)

Yesterday Duncan and I practiced our first ever dressage test! Woohoo! He did it a lot better than I thought he would. We did Intro C, because I'm way too bored in intro and and b... even if it is probably what I should be doing. I would probably score and place better in intro A and B, but what fun is that? I want to challenge ourselves, and this way I know I need to work on his canter, need to get a soft feel, and need to get him straight. Something kind of clicked today with the straightness thing. Terry says she moves a horse with her right leg to go right, and her left leg to go left. She also doesn't do an outside reign. That confused me, as I have always been taught inside leg to outside reign, and intend to do that for dressage. What I had been doing was wrong. I was just directing him with whatever way I wanted him to go, and he just followed his head. I realized Terry tells me to have contact, and she tells me to use my outside reign. I was throwing it away, when that wasn't what she wanted at all. So today when I went to make him straight I used more outside reign, and when he reaches that straight point, he gets soft. But with that I need to see when to release. It's kind of confusing, and you really have to have the happy medium. A soft feel, but still have enough contact so that you can make him straight. You want to be able to block him from twisting his body all around, and I always have to remember to keep my hands a little wider, but I try to remember to use some outside reign. But he doesn't really know what that is yet, so I'm not sure how to teach it to him. But still keep him forward, but don't let him get too forward. And don't let him get hard in his mouth, but don't give it away. Oh yea, and then try doing a dressage test :)
Duncan was scared of the other side of the arena today, but I let him go down and look, and then made him pay attention to me, and he did really well! It was hard to have him pick up the canters, but he did it!

Things I need to work on:
Soft feel
Giving when he releases
Backing up wit ha soft feel
Roundness (which comes in with the soft feel)
Straightness

But I am on my horse, and having a lot of fun! I'm super excited for show season! And to start really getting to work on stuff. I'm excited to have a long term horse to go places with. When I leased horses I got to ride a wide variety of horses, but there was never any consistency, so it was hard to progress up the levels. I finally feel like I will be able to do that.

Happenings

I had a really good ride on Duncan today. I'm really enjoying this whole western thing! More than I thought I would. It's just fun, and different. And it's a lot harder to loose your seat in a western saddle, so I think I am a little braver. Duncan kept looking at the scary side of the arena, but was responsive when I tapped him on the shoulder or made him bend in to ignore whatever he was scared of. It is good to have Terry there, she is so laid back and doesn't care when Duncan looks at anything. All of the horses were running around outside and Duncan was nervous when I first brought him in. So I tacked him up and free lunged and then got on, and he was great! If I was by myself I probably would have done a lot more before I got on him, but he really doesn't do much but look. While I was riding we worked on halt, back up and then trot, which is way cooler western. He was forward and off my leg, and had some decent canters. I need to work on the timing of the canters, but they have gotten better. I just need to get braver.

I'm not sure where I want to be for the summer. I could keep him in Brownfield, even if Terry is gone, or I could go to Hearts and Horses. All my friends are at HnH but I would probably enjoy being up there better. But it is further away from home, and I don't really have any friends there. I think I'm more concerned about this than what college I'm going to. Houghton is looking the best right now though.

I have never before thought it was truly my fault. I mean some things are obviously my doing, but in general if a horse wasn't acting the way I wanted or the way I felt that they should, it has always been there fault. I, as the rider, did what I felt any normal person would have done, and it is the stupid horse's fault if they did not understand. Today while I was riding Bella I realized she was doing things she knows not to do, but I was not good enough to fix it. I don't have the skills or tools to get her past it. It was my fault she would not do the stuff I wanted, because my aids were not clear enough. That's a hard thing to realize.

As for Duncan I really miss him. I hate these days when I can't see him. I haven't seen him since the clinic on Sunday, and will finally get to see him tomorrow. This is pathetic, but two days is too long without riding him.

Clinic with Terry

After day light savings time and a busy day yesterday I did not get much sleep. I was expecting a not so great day today with Bella and Duncan in the Terry clinic. But luckily both horses proved me very wrong!
I was more nervous about Bella, but with small fixes she ended up doing really well. Terry told me to push her girth area more and keep her moving. That helped a lot. And to just do a spiral and then make her keep walking, as opposed to doing the whole hind and shoulder move. This was kind of what I had been thinking, but she reaffirmed it and executed the plan. It worked really well and I had a good ride on her too! So happy with her! Her owner was also able to do the second session and they did really well together!
Duncan also did amazing! It was fun to compare him from a month ago to today. A month ago I was scared to even get on him, or walk him into the arena. This time I felt no fear doing either. We did all of the exercises and I was even able to help explain things to people. Terry chased us with the flag again. The first time I was nervous and wouldn't let go... no matter how much she does it that stupid thing still scares me. The next time though I let go and just rode it, and it was really fun! And not scary at all. A month ago I wouldn't even look at a flag. We played a herding game where one person pretended to be the cow and one pretended to be the horse, and he did really well in that too! We also did the spiral thing, and disengaging the hind end, softness, etc. We ended with a nice, calm walk down the drive way. An over all great day! So proud of the milestones we have made and so thankful for the people who have helped us get there!

Things have been going pretty well with both the horses. Duncan is doing well. He doesn't really spook anymore, but now I have to put a go button back on him. I think this may take some kicking, but it will get there. It is just not fun to ride him when I know everything he's doing wrong, but am too nervous to fix it. Also the saddle was rubbing his back, so I didn't want to push it. Neither of my saddles fit him very well. It is really frustrating. I need to have the saddle fitter look at it. Which is now possible because I can go to another barn and get on him because he isn't insane! Me on the other hand...
This morning we had a really nice time. I didn't get on because I was frustrated about the saddle and didn't want to hurt his back, and did not want to ride unless I could actually accomplish anything. So we free lunged and joined up (we did it the way you hook them to you to change directions) and then did some groundwork. It was windy and peaceful and really nice.

Going to work Bella tonight. Will see how that goes. She has been doing okay. She has been rearing full up in my face. It is not that fun to work her. It's rather stressful. Hopefully we will have a good ride tonight. Clinic with Mcclare this weekend. 

Change is good... right?

There are so many thoughts going through my mind, I'm not even sure where to start. I guess the easiest place to start of with is Duncan. He is doing well. I am starting to trust him. He is still a little looky at things, but he doesn't really spook anymore. Today the snow fell off and he didn't even care. He needs to work on forward and listening, but it will come with time. I am happy where we are, and excited to move forward.

This is not necessarily relating to just Duncan. Other stuff has been bugging me lately. The other day I was thinking about how life used to be, and how much has changed. Some of my best friends have gone to college, I'm heading there soon, Duncan and I are going to New York for Dressage for Kids, I'm going to do some western riding with him, I have been to more barns in the past few months than I ever have been in my life, and I'm more confused than ever. Some great things are happening. I am going to Houghton soon, and am beyond ready to meet new people and start a "new life". Duncan and I are finally doing well.. finally! I'm a senior, and it's pretty awesome. So many exciting things are happening, but with all of these new chances, comes sadness for the things I'm loosing. My old friends, who I will now only see during vacations and summer. I'm going far away, and won't be able to come home for a long weekend. I have some great friends, and it hasn't always been that way, and just when life seems good, it's time to leave. I will never be in high school again. And Duncan has to move eventually, and I have to leave a really great place. After I left Robyn's I searched for where I wanted to be. I wasn't sure of who I was as a rider without being in her shadow. And I found some place. Some place awesome, but nothing is permanent. So I have to say goodbye when I feel like I'm not done saying hello. And it really makes me mad. Why couldn't it have been sooner? Why now? It's frustrating, and sad, and I'm just really sick of change right now.

Events and Happening.

I had a great trail ride on Da Dunc yesterday. Every time I ride up there I learn something new. For awhile I felt like I wasn't learning anything. I was frustrated because I knew what needed to be done, but could not do it, so I never advanced with Duncan. Now there is this whole other world that I want to understand. I was so opposed to trying Western, and so opposed to doing anything that wasn't dressage, and I've realized why not? I am glad I am struggling to understand something, because it means I will learn. I am 17 years old. I want to hop on and go western, go on a trail ride, go to New York and do dressage for kids, and go to the beach. There is no reason to limit myself. If I learn some western, it won't hurt me, in fact it will probably be good for me. What Buck and Terry do with horses is something I am only beginning to understand. And it really works. So why should I not stay there and try to understand everything I possibly can before I go to college?
For example... Duncan was trying to run away in the paddock the other day, because he's a Duncan. He's done this a lot in the past and I just get was too mad and chase him around. So I did my thing and blocked him, and then would turn him away from me, like usual, and like usual it did not work out so well. But Terry does this thing where you hook them on to you and get them to come in to you to change direction. It works a hell of a lot better than what I try, but I don't really get it yet. The main principal of it is to look at their body language and when they slow down you back up. They should turn in to you then, and you keep their attention. I watched a Buck video and they said do not do anything until the horse is ready. But you have to keep their attention on you by moving. I'm not sure if the horse is looking to the right, if you would look to the right or to the left. And then I think if you want a horse to go to the left you drive them from the right. But when you ride if you want a horse to turn left you use your left leg. Which is the complete opposite of dressage, but she did have a point. When you use your left leg, the horse moves their left ear. And when I first started riding, before I rode with Robyn, if I wanted a horse to turn left it made sense to me to ask them with my left leg. I just did it and didn't think of it. Not that Robyn taught me anything wrong, Terry just has a different way, and it really works for Duncan. I don't love it, but if it makes him happy I suppose I will give it a try. I will also have to try out one of these western saddles everyone raves about... We will see how that goes. Terry and I went on a trail ride yesterday. It was really fun. We went through a new bridge, around some trees that came a little too close to my knees for my liking (I literally had to put my leg on his neck one time so I didn't loose a limb), and went for an awesome gallop through the snow. Who thought Duncan would be the reliable gallop buddy. Miss Misunderstood Bella went a little crazy on me. I am SO glad I sold her. I love her to death and she will always have a part of my heart... but she is a pain in the ass. Duncan is so much better now that I realize it. And boy does she move like a draft. Duncan was a hard adjustment at first, but I'm liking him a whole lot better now. Thank God!
I've also decided I am going to dressage for kids. We will see how my new western techniques work out here. I feel like I am sometimes going in every direction, but I think that was because I had no idea what I wanted. I am glad I have finally reached a place I want to be.

Bella is doing well. She is at Hearts and Horses for a tune up. She came and would NOT move... no matter what. She would rear in my face, try to bite me, try to kick, run you over, buck a lot. She is doing well now. The groundwork I do with Duncan like disengaging the hind end and bending is both relaxing and makes her listen. She hasn't bucked once under saddle... except for when she bucked me off in the field, but that doesn't really count. I am very glad I have some new tricks to try with her, and hope they prevent some of the problems we had in the past. I also really want Bella's owners to understand how to do some stuff with her. I want them to do a Terry clinic. She can give them so much more to help them than I can.

Funny How Things Work

A lot has been going on lately. Bella is back at Hearts and Horses. She was not behaving herself very well for her owners, so she is getting a tune up. It is going pretty well. I've been doing a lot of the ground work stuff Terry taught me with Duncan, on her. It continues to surprise my how much it works. For her it's the shoulder. The fact that she has to move it away from me really makes her mad, but she has been getting way better at it. The first say she tried to run me over, bite me, kick me. She's a hot mess. But she is a fast learner, and doesn't stay too mad for long. She is like a 2 year old horse. I think I can help Bella, but she is not an easy horse to teach other people on.

As for Duncan, he is still at Terry's. He's doing amazingly well. I was looking at some of my posts before I went to the clinic or to Terry's. I was trying to make it sound alright, but inside I felt no hope. I wasn't riding, I wasn't happy, and I did not know where the future would bring me, but I was certain there would be no future with Duncan in it. Since I have been at Terry's everything has turned around. I don't even understand what she did, but she made him calmer. When Jan told me to send my horse to there at the SMDA banquet, I gave it a little consideration. But I didn't know just how much of a difference it would have. I didn't believe a horse could change this much, this fast. In fact, I thought the whole Buck Brannaman, natural horsemanship thing was a joke, and did not really work.

I had made goals awhile ago... this was the post I had made.
My Goals:
Getting comfortable in the arena/Lunging
Getting tack on and lunging
Cross Ties
Getting on him
Going around walk/trot/canter
Feel safe on him

I had gotten to everything except the last two. And they just weren't happening. No matter what trainer helped, none could make me feel safe, nor make me want to canter him. But now I do feel safe. I rode him everyday this week, and cantered, and have never felt better on him. I am so glad this finally happened.

He took care of me.

Wow. Just wow. I have never felt so right about a decision I have made before with Duncan. I have also never had these kind of results. It is just right. So right, and so awesome. I am soo thankful to have this opportunity, for both Duncan and myself. Duncan needed some help, and I need a lot more. I have this fear built about around him, and it is huge. It is getting better, and I am riding him, but it is still very much so there. Terry does great with him. She is confident in herself and in him, and does amazing things with him. I'm really glad I get to watch her with him, as it helps me a lot too.

She said something that really made me think. I asked her how she could just get on him, no helmet, no fear, and just ride him. She said she saw me ride him first, and I laughed a little. Then she said, "Well he took care of you, didn't he?" Never before had I thought of him taking care of me. I always pictured us as just scooting by, neither one of us taking care of the other. I certainly don't do much to help him. But he did take care of me. I didn't fall, he didn't spook, and he went along with everything. In the clinic, in Terry's arena, and on the trail. He took care of me. That's the kind of horse I've always wanted.

We went on our first trail ride. He was perfect. Went over the bridge like a pro. Trotted and cantered perfectly. Left the herd, came back to the herd, slowed down, sped up. Whatever I asked, he did it. This is such an amazing feeling. This is what I have been waiting for. It's been a hard year, but it came to this. And it makes it all worth it.

It's Not Easy Being Away

Duncan is off getting smarter, which is a really good thing! But I miss him! Which I suppose is also a good thing. I will see him tomorrow and I am really excited! I really want to ride him. I hope I will have a good ride. I really want to gain comfort on top of him from this. I don't care if he never does a dressage move in his life, if I am safe, I am happy. You know, as long as he walk, trots, canters, leg yields, trail rides, can do the occasional jump, maybe do a little driving on the side, is road safe, has nice movement, is lovable, but not too pushy. The usual. Just the basics.

Of Course

Duncan came out really calm. He didn't spook once today. Yay. But he was not in the best mood. Someone was having a bit of a bad hair day. He did not want to do the ground work, and it was hard to get him to listen. He was defiant and annoyed. Made it somewhat productive, but he was still mad over all, and it could have gone a lot better. Tomorrow is a new day. Hopefully he won't hold too much of a grudge. He tends to be a bit over dramatic.

Clarity

Things are going really well. I have made choices that I feel good about. We will try to show this year. He will go to Terry's for two months, and she will work on riding, spooking, and trail rides/off property work. I will bring him back to Hearts and Horses, hopefully in my own trailer. I will ride everyday, and show the heck out of him. Every show I can, we will be there. We will go to New York, and do Dressage for Kids. We will have a great summer. And if all of these things do not happen, he will be sold. If he isn't capable of doing a trail ride, or going to a show and not throwing me or I do not feel safe enough to get on, it will be time to say goodbye. I will have given it my all, and I will hopefully be a peace with the decision. This is the plan. But whenever I make plans God seems to laugh, and change them dramatically.
Things are getting better. Duncan loves natural horsemanship. We played with a barrel yesterday. He is so trusting of me. Even when he is scared he will kick it and let me roll it right beside him, and he will stand there. His eyes show me he is terrified, so I give him lots of breaks and make sure he gets lots of reward. He likes it when I stroke his head and praise him. He puts his head in my lap, and feels reasured. It's really cute. After I do ground work exercises (small circles while disengaging the hind end and changing directions, backing him up 10 steps, coming forward 9, backing 8 etc., bending and walking him through all of the scary things) he is so good on the lunge. No longer will he tear of scared of something. He is focused on me. And it is so great.
I do feel like I don't know enough about it yet to really do it. I can do the basic exercises, but there are certain things that he gets confused on and doesn't do what I ask. Then I get frustrated and if I let myself get mad at him it goes down hill. So I have to make sure to not let my emotions get involved. I've been a lot better about it, and he surely has changed me as a rider and horse person, but there are still times when we get mad at each other. It makes him not trust me as much.

A Moment of Clarity

That horse and this clinic changed my life. My old trainer posted one day about this clinic she went to, and how everything just sort of clicked, and how amazing it was. I knew what she had been through, the challenges her and her horse faced, and how hard she worked. I knew when she said something just happened, and it was emotional, and incredible all at the same time, that it had to be great. But I also knew that I would never experience one of those rides. But yesterday, I did. And it was just as heart wrenchingly, amazingly beautiful, and emotional as she described it.
Duncan has pulled at my heart strings in just the right ways over the past year. He seems to know exactly how to make me feel hopeless, but give me something to hang on to just before I give up, or vice versa. It has been a year of hard times. A year or personal growth for me, and a lot of prayers that I felt were never answered. Finally, they have been. And I am so thankful. This clinic was so amazing. I don't know that there was one thing that really "fixed" our problems, but more just a variety of things that made him think. However, Duncan is smart, and things don't work on him for long. He quickly learns a way to get out of it. So I have decided to put him in training with Terry.
I felt really bad about saying no to the other trainer at first. I had told her we were training with her. But even then, I was no convinced she could help me. I knew she could help Duncan, and that she could make him a good dressage horse, but I was still doubtful that he would be the horse for me. Never have I felt anyone could really help enough that I felt safe on him. For the first time sense I've bought him this choice has felt so right, and so hopeful. And this is worth all of the bad stuff.

Today I Do, Tomorrow I Will

Today Duncan and I are attending our first clinic, first clinic together, and his first clinic. I could barley sleep last night I was so stressed out. Today I have school, have to trailer Duncan to Hearts and Horses,  work him, and then go home and get ready for the year end award banquet. Everything seems so surreal. I haven't even thought about the banquet. I'm worried about not forgetting anything, having to clean all my tack, do my homework, move Duncan to hnh, organize stuff for the clinic, get everything ready for the move to Gorham, and then there's the actual clinic. Thank God I have Monday off.

My goal is to ride him there once. Maybe on Sat, maybe during the clinic. I just want to ride him sometime. So I really hope I can get that done, but I am doubtful. For now, deep breaths.

Something Amazing

It amazes me the relationship that Duncan and I have built. I am his person. He trusts me above others, and is wiling to do whatever I ask of him. He will follow me into a metal box that he is petrified of, and never miss a beat. He will be shaking so much that the entire trailer will shake with him, but never will he refuse a command. He will step forward when I tell him, back up when I tell him, and stand still when I ask. Never once did he refuse to put his head down, or try to bolt off, even though he very easily could have.

Something to Think About

I read this thing in my devotion book - it said that when I choose a path that God also thinks is right, then nothing in the world can stop me. He doesn't promise that there will be no obstacles, and in fact He says that if I walk hand in hand with Him, there are surely going to be hard times, but that that is okay, because He will be on my side. It also says that although there will be struggles in the end everything will be worth it, and it will be amazing.

Reading this really made me think. I haven't been reading this book, and had just randomly picked it up yesterday. This is what I feel He was trying to tell me about Duncan. If He wants me to keep Duncan, and work it out then it will be incredible in the end, and if I sell him then I will find another amazing horse that I will be happy about in the end.

For Some Reason I Can't Explain...

I got on my horse today. He was pretty good lunging, and I was like I need to do it now. So I did. Wasn't anything big. Just some walk and trot. It was good. I feel like I'm riding him now. I know his movement, I know hi,, it isn't like I'm hanging on and hoping for the best. My Duncacinno was a good man.

Goodness. Finally.

Had a pretty great horsey day! I went to my cousins and we all went on a trail ride. It was pretty low key and relaxing - which was nice. We did gallop a few times through the snow, which is pretty fun! It is definitely nice to just relax and not be worried about what I'm doing right or wrong, or if the horse is going to spook, and what will happen. You just go, and enjoy it.

After that we went to see Duncan. I free lunged him over cavalettis and made him do some canter. His back was rounded and he was pretty relaxed. I'm so happy with where he's come.

Also thinking about changing my blog name. I think it is time for a new name.
"Faith Through Horses" because this is what it's taught me. I kind of want something more creative though.  

Going Back or Moving Forward?

Duncan is progressing. He is less spooky and I am getting more confident. Still all ground work. I need to get my butt back in the saddle. I'm not doing it until I want to. Until I think, this looks like a horse I want to ride. And he is getting there, but he is not there. I think because I was not the one who was doing his ground work in the beginning I missed that step. I got to see him do all the bad stuff, and good, but never got to feel it. We never built that trust. And now we are.

I have not yet thought to myself, I want to go back. Go back to how things used to be. And I really haven't. Sure, there are times I miss galloping through the field or having a relationship, but I've just looked forward. Today I really miss the old stuff. I would never go back, because I know that is not where I am supposed to be, but there is a part of me that wonders where everything would be if nothing had changed. Where would Duncan be in his training? Or would he be gone? Where would I be as a rider and personally? Would I have had this personal growth? Would I have gotten to where I am with Duncan? Probably not. But I miss the person who trained me, who taught me everything I know, I miss being on the same page, I miss having a relationship, and knowing them. I miss someone understanding my jokes, and more so understanding me. I miss down to Earth people. These dressage queens.... I'm telling you. I don't want to compete, but they try to, because I have all the stuff. But I don't share their hearts. I really miss doing something that I think is right and okay, and not being afraid of other people coming in and yelling at me for it. Even though I know I'm in the right place, some days I miss it. But that feeling will go away.  My heart will forget, and I will move on. That's the saddest part. Someday I will forget.