Of Course

Duncan came out really calm. He didn't spook once today. Yay. But he was not in the best mood. Someone was having a bit of a bad hair day. He did not want to do the ground work, and it was hard to get him to listen. He was defiant and annoyed. Made it somewhat productive, but he was still mad over all, and it could have gone a lot better. Tomorrow is a new day. Hopefully he won't hold too much of a grudge. He tends to be a bit over dramatic.

Clarity

Things are going really well. I have made choices that I feel good about. We will try to show this year. He will go to Terry's for two months, and she will work on riding, spooking, and trail rides/off property work. I will bring him back to Hearts and Horses, hopefully in my own trailer. I will ride everyday, and show the heck out of him. Every show I can, we will be there. We will go to New York, and do Dressage for Kids. We will have a great summer. And if all of these things do not happen, he will be sold. If he isn't capable of doing a trail ride, or going to a show and not throwing me or I do not feel safe enough to get on, it will be time to say goodbye. I will have given it my all, and I will hopefully be a peace with the decision. This is the plan. But whenever I make plans God seems to laugh, and change them dramatically.
Things are getting better. Duncan loves natural horsemanship. We played with a barrel yesterday. He is so trusting of me. Even when he is scared he will kick it and let me roll it right beside him, and he will stand there. His eyes show me he is terrified, so I give him lots of breaks and make sure he gets lots of reward. He likes it when I stroke his head and praise him. He puts his head in my lap, and feels reasured. It's really cute. After I do ground work exercises (small circles while disengaging the hind end and changing directions, backing him up 10 steps, coming forward 9, backing 8 etc., bending and walking him through all of the scary things) he is so good on the lunge. No longer will he tear of scared of something. He is focused on me. And it is so great.
I do feel like I don't know enough about it yet to really do it. I can do the basic exercises, but there are certain things that he gets confused on and doesn't do what I ask. Then I get frustrated and if I let myself get mad at him it goes down hill. So I have to make sure to not let my emotions get involved. I've been a lot better about it, and he surely has changed me as a rider and horse person, but there are still times when we get mad at each other. It makes him not trust me as much.

A Moment of Clarity

That horse and this clinic changed my life. My old trainer posted one day about this clinic she went to, and how everything just sort of clicked, and how amazing it was. I knew what she had been through, the challenges her and her horse faced, and how hard she worked. I knew when she said something just happened, and it was emotional, and incredible all at the same time, that it had to be great. But I also knew that I would never experience one of those rides. But yesterday, I did. And it was just as heart wrenchingly, amazingly beautiful, and emotional as she described it.
Duncan has pulled at my heart strings in just the right ways over the past year. He seems to know exactly how to make me feel hopeless, but give me something to hang on to just before I give up, or vice versa. It has been a year of hard times. A year or personal growth for me, and a lot of prayers that I felt were never answered. Finally, they have been. And I am so thankful. This clinic was so amazing. I don't know that there was one thing that really "fixed" our problems, but more just a variety of things that made him think. However, Duncan is smart, and things don't work on him for long. He quickly learns a way to get out of it. So I have decided to put him in training with Terry.
I felt really bad about saying no to the other trainer at first. I had told her we were training with her. But even then, I was no convinced she could help me. I knew she could help Duncan, and that she could make him a good dressage horse, but I was still doubtful that he would be the horse for me. Never have I felt anyone could really help enough that I felt safe on him. For the first time sense I've bought him this choice has felt so right, and so hopeful. And this is worth all of the bad stuff.

Today I Do, Tomorrow I Will

Today Duncan and I are attending our first clinic, first clinic together, and his first clinic. I could barley sleep last night I was so stressed out. Today I have school, have to trailer Duncan to Hearts and Horses,  work him, and then go home and get ready for the year end award banquet. Everything seems so surreal. I haven't even thought about the banquet. I'm worried about not forgetting anything, having to clean all my tack, do my homework, move Duncan to hnh, organize stuff for the clinic, get everything ready for the move to Gorham, and then there's the actual clinic. Thank God I have Monday off.

My goal is to ride him there once. Maybe on Sat, maybe during the clinic. I just want to ride him sometime. So I really hope I can get that done, but I am doubtful. For now, deep breaths.

Something Amazing

It amazes me the relationship that Duncan and I have built. I am his person. He trusts me above others, and is wiling to do whatever I ask of him. He will follow me into a metal box that he is petrified of, and never miss a beat. He will be shaking so much that the entire trailer will shake with him, but never will he refuse a command. He will step forward when I tell him, back up when I tell him, and stand still when I ask. Never once did he refuse to put his head down, or try to bolt off, even though he very easily could have.

Something to Think About

I read this thing in my devotion book - it said that when I choose a path that God also thinks is right, then nothing in the world can stop me. He doesn't promise that there will be no obstacles, and in fact He says that if I walk hand in hand with Him, there are surely going to be hard times, but that that is okay, because He will be on my side. It also says that although there will be struggles in the end everything will be worth it, and it will be amazing.

Reading this really made me think. I haven't been reading this book, and had just randomly picked it up yesterday. This is what I feel He was trying to tell me about Duncan. If He wants me to keep Duncan, and work it out then it will be incredible in the end, and if I sell him then I will find another amazing horse that I will be happy about in the end.

For Some Reason I Can't Explain...

I got on my horse today. He was pretty good lunging, and I was like I need to do it now. So I did. Wasn't anything big. Just some walk and trot. It was good. I feel like I'm riding him now. I know his movement, I know hi,, it isn't like I'm hanging on and hoping for the best. My Duncacinno was a good man.

Goodness. Finally.

Had a pretty great horsey day! I went to my cousins and we all went on a trail ride. It was pretty low key and relaxing - which was nice. We did gallop a few times through the snow, which is pretty fun! It is definitely nice to just relax and not be worried about what I'm doing right or wrong, or if the horse is going to spook, and what will happen. You just go, and enjoy it.

After that we went to see Duncan. I free lunged him over cavalettis and made him do some canter. His back was rounded and he was pretty relaxed. I'm so happy with where he's come.

Also thinking about changing my blog name. I think it is time for a new name.
"Faith Through Horses" because this is what it's taught me. I kind of want something more creative though.  

Going Back or Moving Forward?

Duncan is progressing. He is less spooky and I am getting more confident. Still all ground work. I need to get my butt back in the saddle. I'm not doing it until I want to. Until I think, this looks like a horse I want to ride. And he is getting there, but he is not there. I think because I was not the one who was doing his ground work in the beginning I missed that step. I got to see him do all the bad stuff, and good, but never got to feel it. We never built that trust. And now we are.

I have not yet thought to myself, I want to go back. Go back to how things used to be. And I really haven't. Sure, there are times I miss galloping through the field or having a relationship, but I've just looked forward. Today I really miss the old stuff. I would never go back, because I know that is not where I am supposed to be, but there is a part of me that wonders where everything would be if nothing had changed. Where would Duncan be in his training? Or would he be gone? Where would I be as a rider and personally? Would I have had this personal growth? Would I have gotten to where I am with Duncan? Probably not. But I miss the person who trained me, who taught me everything I know, I miss being on the same page, I miss having a relationship, and knowing them. I miss someone understanding my jokes, and more so understanding me. I miss down to Earth people. These dressage queens.... I'm telling you. I don't want to compete, but they try to, because I have all the stuff. But I don't share their hearts. I really miss doing something that I think is right and okay, and not being afraid of other people coming in and yelling at me for it. Even though I know I'm in the right place, some days I miss it. But that feeling will go away.  My heart will forget, and I will move on. That's the saddest part. Someday I will forget.