I'm Glad I'm Not In Control

Well not a kid, but a teenager. I don't need my next grand prix horse, I don't even need a third level one. I need a horse I can go gallop through the fields with, and throw on the trailer and head to a show with. One I can trust, but also get some stuff done on. That was advice my old trainer gave me, and it was a bit too late for me to go back at that point. But she is absolutely right. If only those words had been said to me 6 months earlier. Part of me lets my mind go there - to a place I shouldn't be. A place where I'm angry at God. Where I wonder why Bella just had to be lame, why Socks couldn't have been a hand taller, which may seem like little things, but things that would have changed my life. Things that would have allowed me to be happy. And yea, I know everyone is like you have a horse, a talented, adorable, loving, amazing horse. And yes, I know all of those things are true, but if he isn't right for me, than it doesn't matter how cute, lovable, or talented he is. I want to question God's motives in all of this. I want to hate Duncan. I want to hate the people who didn't tell me no - the people who I trusted to tell the truth. I want to hate myself for letting my parents down - and then I want to hate them for giving me the chance to hold them up. And most of all, I want to crumble in fear at what the future holds. If I decide to sell him, what will happen to him? If I decide to keep him, what will happen to me?

But there is no use crying over spilt milk. There is no use being angry at God, because the question is not where was God during all of this, it is where was I? Certainly not asking Him what to do. Because maybe if I had I would have chosen differently. The people who let me down wouldn't have had any say, and the people I let down wouldn't have invested so much money into something they will never get back. I can't hate Duncan, because it is not his fault. I love God for never giving me the chance to let Him down, because He never gave me the chance to hold Him up. And I want to thank Him, for giving me something to bring confusion, anger, sadness, and pain, because it has made me realize what He does that is so amazing. And it has shown me to trust. Trust that He has the most amazing plan for my life, and luckily for me, He does great things with bad mistakes. He can make it so they really aren't mistakes at all, but an opportunity to grow closer to Him. So I will not be angry, I will not be worried, actually I won't do anything at all. God will work in miraculous ways in my life, and continue to show me just how much He loves me, and what wonder plans He has in store. And because of that I am able to stand strong, but not because of me. That's for sure.

Then and Now

I won't say before and after, because after would mean you are done, and we are certainly not done.

I also wanted to thank God for giving me a horse who I don't always enjoy working with. Although I love him, it makes me realize there are more important things in life than a horse.

Happiness?

Sometimes people ask me what my favorite horse of all time was. It's a really hard question to answer, and for every horse I loved - there was certainly bad things about them as well. So I'm going down the list, starting with the very first brown boy who stole my heart, and ending with the last.

This is Joey. He was the very first horse I "fell in love with". He was the horse who taught me how to stay on. He taught me how to handle a naughty horse, but also how to love one. He gave me confidence, but also kept me in my place. He was never afraid to throw me off, and always willing to allow me back on. He was pretty great, but I did eventually outgrow him. He couldn't do dressage, and I was ready to move on. I loved how I never felt unsafe, no matter how much he did, I somehow trusted him. I did not like how he never could do dressage, and bucked and threw a fit if you made him.

This is Thumper. He was an adorable, bratty, little Halflinger. He said go when you said woah, and stop when you said run. He taught me so much, and after Joey, he showed me just how fun dressage could be. He was pretty good on trails, although he did enjoy throwing me when he could. For a long time I had wished I bought him, but now that I look back I am glad I didn't. I outgrew him as well. I loved doing some dressage, small jumps, or even a trail ride. He was a pretty reliable guy, who I was very sad to let go. I didn't like how he didn't like to listen, and how he had a mind of his own most of the time. 

Chessie! Every girl needs an experience with a hot little red headed mare. And that is surely what I got. It's funny now, as I look back, how it is hard to find things I just loved about that mare. I was so in love with the thought of owning my own horse, and having something I could love and know that they would not be taken from me, and that was what I found in her. She was a spooky, bull headed chestnut MARE. I never felt safe on her, really didn't enjoy riding her all that much, and don't really miss her. Part of my is scared that is what Duncan will be. I'm terrified that Duncan will be this spooky horse that I will never get to enjoy, because we just aren't the right match. I tried for over a year with this horse, I just don't know when to give up. I torture myself over an animal I don't even like, and force myself to keep trying, just hoping it will get better. And it never did, not until I said adios and found another horse. It also helps me realize that if I choose to sell Duncan in March, I will be okay, I will find another horse, he will find a good home, and I will be happy again. One can hope. Bleh, thinking about her and this is gross. 

Now this is a horse who knew how to make me smile. It started out a little rough, but in the end I would never go back and change a thing. He was my first real dressage horse, and a horse who really made me step up as a rider. He challenged me, and at first I was really scared of him. I didn't know what he would do, and I was scared to make him go. I didn't even like tacking him up. I remember my first ride without a lesson on him, and I couldn't make him do anything. It was a disaster. Shortly after that he reared and flipped on top of me. But once I got to know him, really know him, I wasn't scared at all. I loved showing him. He was one of those up and down horses, and consistency wasn't easy with him. I hated how one day I would have the best ride of my life, and the next want to kill him. He also couldn't do trail rides, which sucked. But he was such a fun dressage horse most of the time. I miss this guy. 

This is Xavier. I didn't have the chance to ride him as long as I would have liked, but when he was great, he was amazing. He was the kind of horse who could just come in the ring and go. No spooking, no bad behavior, he would just go. And that was pretty incredible. He was an old soul, and certainly a lesson horse. He didn't do anything for you unless you asked for it. He would come in and track up and go round in his sleep, but me made sure you had the right cues for canter, leg yield, shoulder in, haunches in. He was a TON of fun though. He taught me so much in the few months I had to ride him, and I was able to show him first level. He wasn't able to stay sound, but he would have days when you would feel like you were floating. He did have a small bucking problem like once a year, but I never experienced that... so I only have happy memories of this boy :) He was also fabulous on trails and loved to gallop. 

You first horse is something special. She was the perfect combination of everything I wanted. She could drive, and didn't bat an eye at anything. She was lovable, and willing to listen. A bit pokey at first, but the second she understood how to go, and relax, and go round, you bet she tried her heart out. She could jump like she had wings, even in her draft body, and when you asked for a gallop - she was going. Once she believed you, and loved you, she gave her heart to you. She was getting better and better at dressage, and I felt 100% on her all the time. Which is really crucial to me. If I had to pick an all time favorite horse that I wanted to spend the rest of my horsey life with, it would have been this girl. But God had other plans, and Bella wasn't sound. 

 Although I probably would never admit I would own this girl if I could go back, she was pretty great. I always felt safe on her, and she was a great little mare to play around on. Not the most talented dressage horse, but she had a good heart. She was too small, otherwise I would have her right now. Most people liked her because of her cool socks, but I forgot about them most of the time. She was the best trail horse. Loved to run, and race. My friend and I would race anywhere we could whenever we could. We'd go to the donut hole, explore other barns, race home, and find jumps. If I had the money for two horses, she would be mine in a heart beat. She was a great little mare. I say I wouldn't have bought her - that I wouldn't have enjoyed her enough, but I sure had a better time on her than I'm having now.


And then there is Duncan. Which I right about enough.

And I'm learning that these things take time... but mostly I'm just learning

This horse has taken me to a place I don't want to be. Although I have been trying to find inspiration quotes lately.

My Inspiration:

And I'm learning that these things take time...

A good experience is not always an enjoyable one.

Trees that are slow to grow bear the best fruit.

Cling to the promises 

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on you own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." 

So this is going to be a bit more rushed that I'd like it, because I do have a lot to say, but I also have Stats homework and a quiz tomorrow! Woot! Hope I don't die in a school shooting or the end of the world. 

But anyways. This sucks sometimes, heck it sucks most of the time. And yep, I get upset about it. And yea, I realize most people think it's dumb that I bring God into my horse life. But the truth is I can't do it without Him there. And I don't care what people think of it. Without God I would not know why I put myself through the ups and downs, nor would I have anything solid to lean on. When I put too much of my trust, love, and faith into a horse they will ALWAYS disappoint. After all, God is a funny man. I begged for a horse, and He gave me Duncan. He gave me the least dependable, more frustrating, and somehow lovable beyond belief 4 year old. He has taught me unconditional love, and the importance of trusting that if He brought me to it, He will surly bring me through it. 

So today we did some natural horsemanship and it worked out really well! Did some lunging with no tack and just took it slow. I lunged him w/t/c before patting him all over and flinging the lunge line over while he stands there, worked on having him change directions the "au natural" way. And by the end he had a turn on the forehand like a normal horse! That's right, no leaping around out of your skin, half gallop turn on the forehand. Just a plain old move my leg under me. Pretty freaking sweet. Small victories. I want to ride him bareback. We will see. I will have to pull out my carrot stick and watch some Pat Perelli vids too. Going all out here. Hellz yea. 

Just One of Those Days

Yesterday Duncan was worse than he had been in a long time. Really frustrating when he is so scared of both ends of the arena and everything is making him scared. He get's way to up tight and then end ups sweating like crazy because he's so nervous. I don't get mad at him anymore, I just get confused I guess. I don't know how to help him. No matter what I do he will bolt passed the door he's scared of the second I ask him to do anything but walk by it. I think I am going to try natural horsemanship stuff. I guess we will see where it goes. I have decided he is going into straight training for a while and then I will try again and if it still is bad, he will be for sale.

Sore Boy

Carissa has been riding him and they are doing well together. I was looking forward to riding him tomorrow, but he was a little sore today, so he will get the day off tomorrow. It wasn't anything bad, but we gave him some bute and he will get a day or two off.
Right now I don't think I want to sell him. I want to be the one to show him, and have an amazing time with him later. But if this is not going to happen I will have to realize that. Hopefully by the end of March at the latest. There goes another show season, huh? Praying everything works out. A lot. God has done some awesome miracles with that horse, and I am really hoping they continue. I feel that He wants us together, for some strange reason, so I will stick it out.

Horses will be Horses

Scariest thing ever today with Duncan! So we were lunging and he got scared and spooked toward the inside, and bucked and managed to get his back leg wrapped around the lunge line. He was basically like he was at Hollis the first time he went there, but he ran a lot more. Obviously the lunge line was dropped.

The worst part was Emma was riding Rosie. And Duncan was bolting and freaking out all over the arena, and he was charging Rosie and Rosie backed up so fast to get away she fell on her knees and couldn't get up with Emma. And then she finally got up and he was still bolting and she started freaking out and it was this huge mess. I wasn't the one lunging and it is so much more scary when you aren't the one in charge. I didn't even think to move or do anything, I just stood there, shocked. It's such raw emotion that you see in their eyes when they do that, and their body language. It's rare to see a horse go to that place, and when they do it is bad. Really shook me up. I just stood there wanting to cry, and didn't know what to do. If I were in the situation I know I would have done what needed to be done, but it was so enthralling to sit there and just watch. I'm usually trying to control a horse at that point. It was just crazy. It wasn't anyone's fault, it's just horses and mistakes happen. I think everyone was a bit shaken up. But Duncan was ridden and did really well under saddle!

I've also been thinking a lot about if I want to keep him or not. So here is a pro con list, that I am just making up. And I know I go through this a lot, but it's always in the back of my mind. The problem is I've made 2 promises to myself, and don't know which one to keep. The first one I made after a horse names Chessie. I tried riding Chessie for more than a year, and was never willing to give up. No matter what, I always went out to the barn and tried to ride her, but most of the time I was scared. I remember before Gloria came over I had pretty much stopped riding her. I didn't want to go out a lot, and there was bunch of barn drama that was confusing and hard to deal with. But it never got better (riding Chessie). I never enjoyed her, and I didn't allow myself to stop loving her enough to detach, or to stop and realize that she was ruining riding for me. And that is a scary place to be. The unknown is a frightening place. One that I have really begun to hate. So after that I made a promise to never let a horse that I wasn't happy with have my heart, and that I would never stay with them. With Bella the choice was so much clearer. She was lame and couldn't do what I wanted. With Duncan, it's so blurry. The second promise went like this; one night I thought about 20 years from now Duncan and I. He had a great life, and was now retired. We showed together, went on trail rides, and he became that special once in a lifetime horse that I loved. That night I promised myself that I would never sell him. But "him" is my dream horse, and is he really it? And what is a promise to myself if I break one of them? It essentially means nothing. But in the end I think he will be a horse I can handle. So for now he is not for sale, but I want this to reflect on when I reevaluate in March.

Pros to keeping him:

I love him
He's my dream horse (just less spooky)
He's cute and adorable and my snuggle bud
I hope I will someday enjoy him and this hardship will be worth it
He has talent
Spooking means get up and go, which means good for dressage
He's forward! and picks up on everything so fast
I never want to see him go to anyone else. He will be with someone else, who he will love, and that person won't be me

I will feel I gave up, and I feel like he is the horse I'm meant to do "it" on, and that it's cheating if I sell him and get an easier horse. It just wouldn't mean as much.

I will regret something about it and cry a whole lot 

Cons to keeping him:
He is spooky, and will always be at least to some degree, spooky
I will be at college and it will be hard to be consistent with him and give him the time he needs
It would be so much easier and happier with another horse
I don't know if I can handle a spooky horse. I really hate that.
Will I ever enjoy him? What's the point of a horse if I don't LOVE riding it?

Basically, I want a crystal ball to tell me if it will be worth it someday. Any takers?

Goals

Since the beginning I have had goals with Duncan. They usually were a bit unreasonable for the time, but eventually got achieved. And when they were achieved the feeling that came with it was awesome.

My Goals:
Getting comfortable in the arena/Lunging
Getting tack on and lunging
Cross Ties
Getting on him
Going around walk/trot/canter

And my latest goal is to not hate riding him. I mean there are days when I do enjoy it, but there are many more that I dread it. I want to love riding him, and feel comfortable on him. I don't know if this can be obtained or not. But I hope it can be.

Ground Work Never Fails

I decided that groundwork was the way to go yesterday. Besides, you can't really get frustrated with that, because you can always fix it. Plus, if he does something bad who cares - I'm not on his back. So I lunged him a lot with the side reigns and worked on bending and cantering. Then we worked on turn on the forehand and learning to move away from pressure. Lastly we went to the wall and worked on a bit of leg yielding. Theses are all things he has done, but needed a refresher. Hoping it will carry through when I'm on him. I want to not lunge him and just ride so it can be more productive.

Today we will try ground poles and cross rails.

Unconditional Love

That is what Duncan is teaching me. How to love even when it's hard. How to love even when you don't want to. Duncan has been a brat lately. But I still love him.

Así Así

Lunged Duncan for what felt like forever today and he took awhile to settle in. Every little things matters to him, and the way I lunge directly effects how he is under saddle. He eventually started going round and such, but it took a while. The ride was so so. He's been having a little tude lately and objecting to things he doesn't like. Today it was the inside reign going to the left. He's a weirdo. He didn't do anything major, just didn't really want to work. He was pretty sweaty, so we did some figure eights and transitions and called it good.