They say it's what you make, I say it's up to fate

1/20/14

Some days I ride and I feel like I don’t belong. The saddle feels foreign and nothing I do is right. Sometimes, when I let myself compare myself to others, I wonder why I am trying to fit into a world that I wasn’t made for. They say it's what you make, but I say it's up to fate. It’s fate that makes you the rider and more importantly the horseman you are. It’s a learned skill, but so much of it is natural ability. I don’t have that. I wasn’t born with no fear like some, and I wasn’t born with a seat to ride the crazy stuff. I wasn’t born with a natural way with animals, and I sure wasn’t born with half of the talent I see in others who have mentored me. When I see pictures of the girls out west like Reata Brannaman (Buck’s daughter) I wonder why I even try to get into this crazy world. Why am I going to try to go out West this summer? There is no way I can ever be at those girl’s levels. No matter how hard I try I can never be that. Not only was I not born with it, it’s impossible for me to learn it.

It’s rides like today, when nothing can seem to go the way I want, that I question this. And don’t worry, every single person in that arena with you is there to tell you every single thing you are doing wrong. If you breathe wrong, you’re going to ruin your horse, you know. Every single person watches, compares, and tears you down. I hate this barn. I hate the atmosphere. I don’t know why I am in the horse world. I don’t think I will ever make it anywhere. I’m confused and don’t know what discipline I want to do, or who to take advice from. There are a lot of people who are not who you think they are in this place.

And it is when I feel this way that I look at scripture. And I see verses like Romans 8:28 “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” And it is then that God shows me that comparison gets me nowhere, but the Gospel takes me far. For the thief of joy is comparison, and when we compare ourselves to others it gets us no where. It makes us feel either inferior, or superior, and neither of which are productive, or Christlike. This is what I learned from my ride today.